Love Sacrifices, Day 28

Today I am going to do something that I promised myself at the beginning of this Dare I would not do. I hope that you, my readers, understand and forgive me. This part of The Love Dare is extremely personal. I do not feel comfortable sharing publicly the details of how I handled this one. Rather than telling you my specific actions and thoughts, I am going to keep this one much more general. I am not doing this out of a desire to hide anything. Rather, I am doing this out of my love and respect for my husband. There are certain aspects of our lives that need to remain private. God knows the details, and that is what matters most!


The Scripture focus for this one is Matthew 25:35-36. “For I was hungry and you gave me something to eat; I was thirsty and you gave me something to drink; I was a stranger and you invited me in; I was naked and you clothed me; I was sick and you visited me; I was in prison and you came to me.” It’s a passage that I am very well acquainted with. It’s one that I keep in the forefront of my mind as I do work with the women’s group at my church. Jesus urges us in this passage to think of others, to realize that He is in everyone we meet and that we should treat others just as we would treat Him. I think I have done a very good job with that over the years.

Until I read this Dare, though, I didn’t realize that I have been falling short in one area: all too often I fail to treat my husband as I would treat Christ.

Because he is the one with me every day, the one who ten years ago promised to love me no matter what and reaffirmed that vow just a few weeks ago, I tend to take him for granted. Even worse, I look at the verse that says, “Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and Himself up for her” (Ephesians 5:25) and think that it is up to my husband to make sacrifice for me. I tend to want things MY way, and I don’t put much time, attention, or thought into what my husband might want.

That is not fair.

There is one particular area where I know I have been failing him. That one was really brought home when I read this portion of The Love Dare. I’ve made a commitment to think more about this particular need of his and to do more to fill it.

Love Encourages, Day 27

I am constantly amazed at how God works!! The subject of this Dare is something that my husband and I have recently dealt with—our expectations. He seems to expect me to be more like his mother while I expect him to be more like my father. Not that our parents are bad people—I am thankful for the way they molded us into the people we have become. But we are not carbon copies of them. It really isn’t fair for us to expect the other to be.


Gosh, that made sense in my head, but looks so confusing on paper!

The expectations he places on me make me feel very inadequate. As I told him the other day, “No matter what I do, you will point out the ways it could have been done better. It makes me wonder why I even bother. If I am not good enough, why am I even here?”

I assume that he feels the same way when I start to nag him about spending more time with our family. Oh, it’s not like he goes out all that time. He works 8 to 10 hours a day, 5 to 6 days a week (a real blessing from God, giving his profession and the economy in our hometown). Tuesday night, he is Tiger Scout Den Leader for our 6 year old and he leads a Bible study at the church on Wednesdays. Other than that, he is normally at home. I get frustrated, though, when it seems that I am constantly with the kids (a frustration I assume most work-at-home and stay-at-home parents feel). He has turned one of our extra rooms into his “Man Cave” and spends a lot of evenings in there, not coming out until the kids have gone to bed. Even on nights when I plan to spend the evening working in my office, he goes into his cave. The boys are so afraid of bothering him that they come to me with all of their troubles. I don’t want to be a single parent when we are married and living in the same house!

Yet I don’t think that nagging him or cutting him off, which I know I tend to do, is really the right way to handle the situation. I can’t really say that I know what is the right way. In the Gospel, Jesus tells His disciples to “remove the plank from your own eye before you can be concerned with the speck in your brothers eye” (paraphrasing, but if you check out Matthew 7:4-5, you will see that I am pretty close). I guess that means that I need to look at the problems in my own life, the ways where I don’t measure up as a wife.

And I am not talking about where I don’t measure up to the expectations my husband has for me. In all honesty, I am not sure I can ever be everything he wishes for me to be. But I need to see where I fall short of GOD’S expectations. If I can please Him, pleasing my husband should follow naturally.

Love is Responsible, Day 26

Today’s Dare—To ask God’s forgiveness for any wrongdoing, then humbly admit that wrongdoing to your spouse.


It sounds like a difficult one, on the surface. But for me, it really wasn’t. My wrongdoing came to light a few months back, when I had to admit to my husband that I was doing a horrible job of maintaining our budget. Telling him was not easy. To be honest, I don’t know if it was more difficult to come clean or to ask his forgiveness. Perhaps if this had been the first time that I had trouble with finances things would have been different. But since it wasn’t, I kept wondering, “How can I ask him to forgive me for something that I have messed up with over and over again?”

At this end of this Dare is the question: “What does your mate need to see in order to believe that your confession was more than just words?” In my case, though I’ve not specifically asked him, I would assume that needs to see my receipts. He needs to see that I am taking responsibility for the money I spend and I am actually paying our bills with it. Not that I have just gone and bought frivolous things in the past. More that I have neglected to pay bills in a timely manner, causing late fees that were unnecessary. In order for him to believe that I am truly sorry for the things I have done and that I really want to change, he needs to see the evidence that I am trying to change.

So long as I show progress toward mending this, I pray that he will be understanding enough to not expect a complete turnaround all at once.

This Book Is Not For Sissies!!!

    The Love Dare starts off with a warning. The authors state right up front that it is not something to be taking lightly. Taking this dare is taking a chance.

    I didn't fully believe that until I got into doing it.

    This book is NOT for the faint-hearted! If you think you are perfect and that the problems in your marriage are all because of your spouse, you need this book.

    Only it is those who truly need it that will have the hardest time with it.

    Have you seen the movie Fireproof? I did, and I'll be honest about my motivation to see it: Kirk Cameron. Like many my age, he was my first celebrity crush. Of all the crushes that have come and gone sense, Kirk is the one I am not ashamed to admit to! He is funny and entertaining to watch. And from all reports, he is a good guy. Many "child stars of the 80's" have battled addictions that have taken their lives. The same can be said for Kirk. Only his addiction has not ended his life—it has enhanced it. Kirk isn't addicted to alcohol or drugs or women. His addiction is to Christ. Man, that is one I wish more in Hollywood would catch!

    But I digress. When I heard that a movie with a Christian message was about to be released, I was intrigued. When I heard that Kirk Cameron would be staring in the movie, I knew I needed to see it. The more I heard about the film, the more anxious I became. I figured it would be a good movie to see with my husband.

    I did not figure it would change my life.

    Through the movie, Kirk's character grows up and learns how to save his marriage. He does this with the aid of a gift from his father—a book called The Love Dare. After seeing the film, I wanted to get my hands on a copy of that book. My husband and I had been married for nearly nine years when the movie came out. Were they nine good years? Yeah, I guess. Could they have been better? Definitely! I thought the book would be a great way of making our next years together happier, more full, and much better than the first few.

    Apparently, I was not the only one who wanted the help of this book, as Stephen and Alex Kendrick, the men behind the movie, wrote The Love Dare and made it available to the public.

    I bought the book and began working through the 40 day journey. My thought was that my husband and I could both do this, and that he would see how impossible life is with a pig-headed husband such as he is and would make changes in his heart. Those changes he would make, I knew, would make our marriage oh so much stronger.

    I DID NOT expect to read the book and find out that I was the pig-headed spouse who needed to make changes! It made me uncomfortable enough that I put the book aside and didn't finish.

    Nearly a year later, I picked it up again. I decided to blog about my journey through The Love Dare. Things got tough again. I could feel myself changing and see how our marriage was evolving as a result. But I got to a point where it was painful, almost physically so, to keep up with the blog. Did I really want my personal thoughts, feelings, and failures to be made public on the web? So I kept up with it in private.

    I've worked through a lot of those struggles. While I still don't feel comfortable sharing every little thing, I think it is best to share some. I'm typing up my hand-written journals and posting them once again to my blog. My hope is that this helps other wives and husbands see the issues in their own marriages and in their own hearts, and find hope for change. Has reading this book made me a perfect wife? Um, not. Not even close. I have a long way to go yet, and I know it. I've started working on The Power of a Praying Wife so that I can better hear what God is telling me needs to change in my life. Do I still think my husband needs to change? YES! But I have also realized that I cannot force those changes. The best that I can do is change me and pray that God shows him what needs to change.

    And pray that God teaches me how to live with the things I want my husband to change that God thinks are perfect as they are!

Love Vs. Lust

The world is passing away, and also its lusts; but the one who does the will of God lives forever. I John 2:17

    Somehow, I skipped over this day when reading The Love Dare earlier this year. Lust is nothing something that I have a problem with. My husband has had a problem with it (see this post for more on that), but I've never fallen into a lustful situation. I've always thought of lust as a sexual thing. It's more than just looking at a celebrity and commenting on his attractiveness. It's thinking about that celeb so much that you want the one you are with to be more like that person. I've never done that. Sure, I've stayed up to watch Michael Phelps swim in the Olympics and I've made a point to watch NCIS: Los Angeles because Chris O'Donnell stars in it. But that doesn't mean that I want my husband to be like them. In fact, there are a lot of things in their lives that I would not want to see in my husband's life. The only comparison I feel comfortable making between these men and my husband is this one: I want my husband to be as dedicated to his family as Chris O'Donnell is said to be.

    The Love Dare, though, defines lust a little differently. It is more than just drooling over a good looking man or woman. Lust is "a misguided thirst for satisfaction that only God can fulfill" (page 117). Wow. Put that way, I can see that I am so very wrong. Lust is definitely something that I have a problem with.

    God has recently brought to my attention an addiction that I have to food. I can see where that addiction can be considered as a form of lust. It sure is a way for me to find satisfaction. Not that I have found satisfaction through food….

    This morning, I can also see where this lust for food is harming my marriage. It's not something I feel at all comfortable talking to my husband about. This is a pretty big issue for me. Not being able to discuss a big issue with my husband puts up a wall in our marriage. It's like there is this whole part of me that he knows nothing about. How can I expect us to be close if there is a part of myself that I am holding back from him?

    

Our Renewal

    Saturday was The Big Day for my husband and me. It was the day after our 10^th anniversary. In our church, in front of our family and friends, we recommitted ourselves to each other. We again promised to love one another as we allow God to "wipe clean the canvases of our lives and fill them with His love, beauty, and harmony." It was really a very nice day.
    He surprised me by reading a poem about what marriage should be. It was a struggle to not cry when he read it. I gave him a copy of the Power of a Praying Husband Book of Prayers. Our sons walked me down the aisle and placed my hand in his. Then we had a small reception afterward. The boys went to stay the weekend with their aunt, and we headed out of town. We didn't do anything exotic. But we spent time together, alone, and that was wonderful. I am attaching a few pictures of the ceremony for you.
    Because of the last minute plans, I wasn't able to keep up on this blog last week. I did jot down a few things, though, as I continued to read The Love Dare. I will be posting those thoughts later in the week.

The Bride and Groom

The Birde and Groom, with the Bride's parents

Forgiveness

    I don't recall the exact date. I think it was right around Labor Day, 2007. I know I have the year right, because I clearly recall my youngest was an infant at the time. Even if the date is fuzzy in my mind, very few of the details are. In a way I wish the details were not so clear in my head. It might be easier to live with if I didn't remember it all so well.

    Yet I know it is a day that I will never, ever forget.

    I had slept alone part of the night before. My husband was taking over leadership of a mid-week adult Bible study at our church. He was excited about it and wanted to prepare well for it. So he had stayed up, working at the computer the night before, looking on-line for Bible study resources. Just what time he went to bed I couldn't say, and he was gone before I woke up in the morning—off to his daily shift at a local factory. I am pretty sure it was a Friday morning. I seem to recall being excited that he was off that weekend, a rare treat at the time since the shop was busy and he was required to overtime many Saturdays then.

    When I got up, I fed all three kids. The two oldest got dressed and went into their toy room to play. The youngest, about 3 or 4 months old, was playing on a blanket in the center of the office floor. I settled at the computer with a cup of coffee, ready to start my day.

    To my surprise, the internet browser was open. My husband hardly ever left it open. There was a small smile on my face as I clicked the icon in the task bar to bring up the full-screen window. My husband had told me he thought I should be more considerate about sharing the computer and not leave my work open. I knew I was going to have to tease him for having done the same thing. The smile and all teasing thoughts faded quickly when I saw the images that filled the monitor. I don't know what the website was called, but it had nothing to do with a Bible study. I'll admit that I don't know the Bible as well as I should now, and I knew even less then. But I had enough Biblical knowledge to realize that pictures of scantily clad women touching inappropriate places on their bodies were not something that would be shared in a Bible study.

    About a week before that when I had settled in to use the computer an X-rated pop-up interrupted me. I remembered asking my husband about that, and he swore that he had not visited the site and had no idea how it had gotten there. Not a big deal, I figured. It was a one-time thing. And I knew that I had recently downloaded a file from the internet. Perhaps that pop-up had been connected to it. The images I was seeing made me question that. Had the pop-up been because of something that I had downloaded or had it come from something that he had been looking at? With a shaking hand, I clicked on the browser history. I prayed that I would find nothing incriminating there. I knew what sites I had visited and hoped that I would only see those sites and a few Biblical research sites in the history. Sadly, that is not what I found. Sure, those sites were listed there, but so were a couple of sites that I found more than questionable. I didn't even have to click on them. Their titles and web addresses were enough to let me know what sort of "entertainment" they provided.

    I felt like I had been kicked in the gut by a horse. This was not the first time we'd ever had an issue with pornography. It had been nearly 2 years since my husband told me he thought he might be addicted to pornography. He went to counseling for it—I even went with him once or twice. I thought that we had gotten beyond that. I didn't think it would be a part of our marriage ever again.

    Yet here it was, rearing its ugly head again. Only this time, it felt about a million times worse. Not only was my husband not satisfied with me and looking at other women, he was lying to me about it. I felt totally inadequate, unloved, and unlovable. It was a struggle to not fall apart. My boys needed me. As much as I wanted to, I couldn't just curl up into a ball and cry. I needed to do something. I just didn't know what to do. My first thought was to pack a bag for the boys and for me and run to my mother. It took a lot of convincing from Mom and from my best friend for me to not run away. They said that no matter what he had done, my husband deserved to know why I was leaving. They said it wasn't fair for him to come home to an empty house. Like I cared about what was fair! It wasn't fair to me that he was looking at that crap and lying to me about it! That he used preparing for a Bible study as a cover made me sick to my stomach. Why should I have to put up with that junk? It wasn't until one of them said, "It's not fair to the boys to whisk them off without letting them say good-bye to Daddy," that I calmed down enough to stay home. What my husband had done hurt me deeply; I didn't need for it to hurt the boys, too. I decided that instead of just running off and hiding, I was going to confront him about this. I did pull out suitcases, but I didn't fill them. If he denied what he had done, if he lied to me about it again, I was going to pack up and leave. I was determined that I would not live with the lies.

    This was the time when I was really beginning to take my writing career seriously. Some days, my husband would come home from work and wonder what I had done all day. He was frustrated with not seeing the proof that I was working. So I had started to make a list throughout the day of all that I accomplished. I would write down the chores I had done, what writing pieces I had worked on, and how many words I had written on each one. That particular day, I wrote done every little thing that I had done, including fixing breakfast and lunch, serving breakfast and lunch, cleaning up after breakfast and lunch, and how many diapers I changed. When my husband got home from work, we sat at the table and he looked over my list. About halfway through it, he said, "Isn't this a little ridiculous? I know you are feeding the kids and changing diapers." I just asked him to keep reading. The last thing I had written on the list was something like, "Deleted x number of pornographic websites from the browsing history." I knew he had read it when the color drained from his face. He looked at me with that deer-in-the-headlights look, the look that said, "Oh, crap, she knows!"

    To his credit, he didn't deny anything. He still maintained that the pop-up from a week before wasn't from him, because he didn't go to sites that showed what that pop-up did. Eventually, he said that he supposed it could have been from one of the sites he went to, because he was looking at sites then.

    I felt like I had been cheated on. Matthew 5:28, "But I tell you that anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart," came to mind, as did every time my husband ever called me beautiful. I'm a big girl. Always have been. I don't look like the skinny girls in magazines or the perfect-bodied women on those websites. If he had to go looking at that, how could he really think that I am beautiful?

    When we went to bed that night, I didn't want to be near him. I wanted to throw his pillows and blankets down the stairs, lock the bedroom door, and sleep alone. That's not what happened, though. Instead, I lay still and stiff on my side of the bed, tears running down my cheeks, praying for help from God. And I heard this voice say, "You love him. Now hold him."

    No way!!! I shook my head and kept praying. I asked God what He wanted me to do. The thought, "Go to him; hold him," kept coming into my mind. It was about the last thing I wanted to do. He didn't deserve to be hugged and held by me! If he needed a hug, he could just go get one from one of the bimbos he'd been looking at online! I wasn't wasting my hugs on the cheating pig!

    But the thought wouldn't go away. I wanted to God to tell me what to do, how to handle this situation. And He wanted me to hug my husband. I tried to ignore the thought and go to sleep. After all, I was exhausted from all the crying I'd done that day. But sleep would not come. Eventually I sighed, rolled over, and reluctantly rested my head on my husband's chest. He whispered that he was sorry, his voice letting me know he had been crying, too. I didn't say anything to him. I couldn't talk. He slipped his arm around my shoulders and rubbed my back. I wasn't sure I wanted him to touch me, yet I couldn't pull away. At one point, I did tell him, "I am not doing this because I want to. I am here because God wants me to be."

    Why am I telling you all of this today? Because of what I read this morning in The Love Dare. Today's lesson was about forgiveness. The challenge is to intentionally forgive your spouse for a hurt you have not given forgiveness for. I couldn't think of anything at first, not until the memory of that day and night came into my mind. We've worked through it, and even helped our church sponsor and plan a Holy Homes seminar with Clay and Renee Crosse. I was ready to give up and walk away, but God gave me the strength to stay here and fight. Our love survived. End of story, right?

    Wrong. I realized this morning that I haven't completely forgiven him for that. I don't bring it up often. It's not something that we talk about. And I say that I trust him now. Yet I am not sure that I completely do. His computer is still in his office, in a different room than where the family "hangs out". In the past 4 or 5 months, he has gotten good at going in there in the evenings to do Cub Scout work or his Bible study. When he says he is doing Bible study, the thought of that day in 2007 comes back. I sometimes wonder, "Is that really what he is doing?" He's given me no reason to think that he is looking at that again. And he knows where I stand. I told him that I have taken a zero tolerance policy about this. It's me or the porn—NOT both. Still there is a part of me scared to death that he is going to do it again. I often find myself on edge, ready to fight him over it.

    Lord, I ask You to help me with this. Help me to forgive, to really forgive and forget the pain that this has caused. I know my husband loves me, I know I love him, and I know that You love us. You have helped us through this rough period in our marriage. Please, Lord, help me to let it go so that I am no longer afraid to trust. Thank you.

Love Protects

    I am on day 23 of The Love Dare. I wish I knew how I had allowed myself to get so far behind. Still, I am happy that I am still working at it. In the past, I would have just given up. It's got to be "a God thing" that is keeping me moving forward on this.

    The title for today's Dare is "Love Always Protects". My first thought after reading the tile was, "Well, this should be easy to do!" I was thinking about physical protection.

    Should have known that was not what the authors meant!

    The reading talks about different things that can cause problems in a marriage, things that can come in and destroy without either spouse even realizing what is happening. There are four things that the book warns to be on guard about: Harmful Influences, Unhealthy Relationships, Shame, and Parasites. After rreading it, there is one that I can see creeping up into my marriage. It is something that my husband and I have talked about, something that I believe I have mentioned once or twice already in this blog. It is something that I am still struggling with daily. That would be Harmful Influences.

    The specific influence that I can see harming my marriage is the computer. Oh, I could sit here and say how much better I am than some people. I don't look at pornographic websites, I don't gamble, and I don't spend all of my time in chats. That doesn't matter, though. Even though there are worse things that I could be doing on the computer, the things that I am doing can cause a problem. I'm getting better, though. This week has been a good one. I've gotten a lot of work done on some projects for the ladies group at my church. That is an awesome thing. And I have been getting some personal writing in.

    Still, I've been finding time to play games on Facebook. It's a struggle to ignore them. Maybe if I didn't log onto Facebook in the first place…. The problem there is that I promote my blogs on there all the time, and I keep in touch with other writer friends on Facebook. I'm working to stay away from the games when my family is all home, though. I want to pay more attention to them than to the computer in the evenings.

Off Day

Today was not my best day, Love Dare wise.

One of the weekend challenges was to set aside time to spend in Bible reading. I did that, no problem. Well, maybe with a little problem. My sons were home from school, so finding a quiet moment was not easy. This year, I've been using the One Year Bible (oneyearbibleonline.com) to read through the New Living Translation of the Bible. I had to break up my Bible time into two segments so that I could get it all read. But I read it! And to tell you the truth, I am really enjoying it. I am learning new and unexpected things. Today, I read in Matthew 12:39-40. Jesus compared himself to Jonah. I'd never thought of that before, how both of them were in a dark place for three days before walking out.

No, the problem I had today was keeping up with the very first day of The Love Dare. Do you remember what that challenge was? To say nothing negative to your spouse. I've worked hard to keep negative words out of my mouth and negative thoughts out of my head. Today, though, I let some negative slip out. OK, so maybe it wasn't too bad. And maybe my anger was justifiable. That still doesn't make the negativity OK.

I've spent today home with the kids. We didn't go anywhere, just stayed here playing and watching TV. While the kids played, I did some work. I've been working on a novel that I want to have finished by March and some projects for the ladies group at my church. In between, I did some housework and started cooking dinner. But when my husband came home from work, he noticed the things that were not done. I felt like I had done a lot, and then his words changed that. I felt like I had wasted the day, at least in his eyes. And I told him that I hate it when he comes home like that. I snapped at him once or twice when he asked why something wasn't done. Not the right way to handle it, but it is the way I handled things.

Of course, that was a lot better than how I would have handled the situation before I started on The Love Dare. I probably would have been more rude in what I said to him and yelled a bit more. So I guess that does mean I am making progress.

Jesus is LOVE

    Day 19 and Day 20 of The Love Dare tie in nicely together. I think these were probably the easiest ones yet, especially day 20. Why? Because the challenge is to acknowledge the love of Christ and accept His love into your life.

    Acknowledging His love is something that I did years ago. I can point to a lot of things—my mother's cancer, being robbed at gun-point at age 6, meningitis, my 3-month=old son's hospitalization with RSV, a miscarriage, financial troubles, to name just a few—that I could never have lived through without His love. There are so many places where my family could have been torn apart. But the love of Christ—the love He has for us and the love He has given us to share—have brought us closer together. That loved has proved over and over again that life is worth living.

    Accepting His love—that is something that I am still learning to do. Oh, I have asked Jesus into my heart. I know that He is with me and that He has forgiven my sins. I know that He will forgive sins in the future and that He will help lead me away from sin. But I don't think that His love is a one-time only gift. I think it is something that I need to accept every morning.

    "Lord, today is a gift from You. Thank You for it. Please be with me today. Cover me with Your endless love. Help me to show that unconditional love to everyone I meet, especially to those I don't think deserve it. I don't deserve Your love, but I have it. Thank You for loving me even when I am unlovable. I'll never be worthy of all You have done."

    I'll be the first to admit that I am NOT a perfect person. This past week, I've had more moments than I can count where I have felt my less-than-perfection. I am not a good enough wife or a good enough mother. I am certainly not a good enough daughter. My husband, sons, and parents deserve much better.

    The good news? With Christ, they can get that! I don't mean by them accepting Christ into their lives, either. That is between them and Him. But if I consciously seek and accept Christ's love into my heart, He will give me a heart that I can be proud to give back to my family. Christ loves me. He loves me enough that He died for me. He loves me enough that He hasn't given up on me, though I have given up on myself more than once! With His love in me, I can be what my family needs and so much more.

    Thank You, Jesus, for this love.

Need Prayer

    All of this work that I am putting into making my marriage better and I feel like I blew it all with one little mistake. I could really use your prayers throughout the day.

    Finances are a problem for a lot of people. The trouble that I have is when a money problem pops up I try to solve it myself. It's hard for me to share with my husband when bills are behind or there is no money to do something that needs to be done. I have a bad habit of trying to fix it on my own and not telling my husband until I have to.

    This morning, I had to call him about a problem. I was shaking as I called. I braced myself to be yelled at. While he was mad about it, he surprised me by saying this is our fault, not all mine. He didn't yell at all. He did let me know that he is not pleased and very concerned about this. But he also said that he knows we can work through this together.

    In some ways, that made me feel worse. I am sure that is satan trying to bring me down. My husband works hard for our family, and I feel like a failure for not being able to help out much.

    My cousin sent me this verse this morning. I think it was exactly what I needed to hear!! Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God; and the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus. (Philip 4.6-7)

 
 

Setting Some Ground Rules

My husband and I have had our fair of fights. Sometimes, I think we have had more than our fair share. If you are married, I am sure you have felt the same way. Depressing as it may sound, there is no such thing as a conflict-free marriage.

 

One aspect of the wedding ceremony seems a bit misleading. I remember watching as my mother and my soon-to-be mother-in-law each lit a tall white candle. Later on, after vowing to love one another forever, my husband and I each took one of those candles in hand, and together we lit the larger center candle. When it was lit, we carefully blew out the candles out mothers had lit. The unity candle is a symbol of two lives becoming one. The misleading part, I think, is when the two single candles are blown out. Sure, the husband and wife are now one, but they still have distinct personalities. At times, those personalities combine to make a bright light in the dark. At other times, those personalities clash, making a fire that can consume anything in its path!

 

Married life would be a lot easier if couples understood that fighting is a normal part of life. Even more important, though, is that there is a proper way to fight. Discovering what that proper way is for your own marriage is important. That is what day 13 of The Love Dare is about.

 

I'll be honest—I sort of just skimmed over this one when I originally read it. My husband and I have not been fighting much lately. When we have had a disagreement, we have discussed it calmly. So I really didn't want to think about fights at all. When I read this dare, I did talk to my husband about it. The challenge is to sit down with your spouse and make a list of rules for fighting. He sort of shrugged and said it was something that he thought we should do, when we had the time. I read the basic rules that are included with this dare and decided that I would go by them; whether my husband did or not was up to him.

 

Last night after the kids were in bed we finally had a chance to sit and talk about it. We agreed that the rules in the book will work out well for us. The number one rule—DIVORCE IS NOT AN OPTION! Keeping that in mind, we know that we will find a solution—or at least a compromise—for our argument. And by inviting God to be with us as we discuss our problems, we know that the end of the argument will eventually bring us closer together.

Seek to Understand

    The title of day 18 of The Love Dare is "Love Seeks to Understand". I really like the way that the relationship between husband and wife is described here. Page 87 of the book says: "Consider the following perspective: if the amount you studied your spouse before marriage were equal to a high school diploma, then you should continue to learn about your mate until you gain a 'college degree', a 'master's degree', and ultimately a 'doctorate degree'." Life is a long learning process, and so is a marriage. If we knew every little thing there is to know about the one we married, life would be pretty boring.

    The sad thing for me, though, is that I have to admit I don't know a whole lot about my husband. There are three questions written in this chapter that I cannot answer. I don't know my husband's greatest hopes and dreams. I do not understand how he prefers to give and receive love (perhaps if I did, this marriage would be a lot easier!). And his fears? No idea. I could guess, I think, but I don't know that I would be right.

    How can we expect our marriage to survive—let alone thrive—if we are just two strangers living under one roof, sharing the same bed, and parenting the same children?

    The challenge in this dare is to plan an evening for just the two of us where we can talk about some of these things. In the end of the book, there are 10 personal questions and 10 marital questions the authors suggest be used for this evening. The questions at least give a starting place for our conversation.

    Finding time to do that is a problem, though. Life is busy. Take yesterday, for example. Yesterday I started my new job babysitting my infant nephew. After he left, I spent time doing some laundry (a never-ending task for a family of five!) and straightening up the house. I can't tell you how many times I sat down at the computer to write only to be sidetracked by a phone call or an email or the kids. When my husband got home from work, he went outside to wait for our pastor to get here. A belt had broke on the van, and my husband didn't know how to repair it. He's never been much of a "fix it" kind of man, but he is trying. I was very proud of him for braving the below freezing temperatures to not only keep Pastor Clive company while he fixed the van, but to also help out and learn how to do repairs on his own. When the repair was finished, my man came inside to clean up. I poured him something to drink and warmed up some dinner for him (he asked that I not make the kids wait to eat, as he didn't know how long he would be outside). He was freezing and settled into his Lazy Boy chair after he ate with a blanket over him, trying to warm up before bed. By 7, he was drifting off to sleep.

    Tonight is Cub Scouts night. He is the Den Leader for our 6-year-old sons den, so he has to go to that. And tomorrow he leads a Bible study at the church. So I can't just sit here and wait for him to be able to finish this portion of The Love Dare. I think I know what I will do, though. I am considering typing up the questions from the book and emailing them to my husband. Not only do I want him to answer them when he can, I want to answer them myself. That way, when we have a chance to have quiet evening without chores or kids or car repairs or meetings, we can talk over them. It will be good for us to know each other better and to understand each other more.

A Prayer

Father God,

    I thank You today for the blessing of my husband. There was a time when I didn't think we would ever get to our first wedding anniversary, let alone our tenth. At one point, I didn't think we would actually get married. I was ready to give up and walk away. In fact, I did that once. I thank You for giving me the strength and wisdom to come back to him. He was definitely worth waiting for. You knew that even when I didn't. Thank You for not letting me give up on him.

    Thank You also for not letting him give up on me. I know that being married to me can't be an easy thing. With the illnesses and surgeries and moments of depression I have gone through in the past ten years, he had plenty of chances, reasons, and opportunities to walk away from me. Thank You, Lord, for making our love for each other strong enough that we could see the trials and troubles were worth working through.

    Lord, I pray for Your blessings on my husband today. Help him to feel close to You, and to do Your will in everything he faces. Be with him as he plays with our children and interacts with the other men from the church. Let Your love shine through all that he does.

    I ask also that you bless his hands as he works this week. He works hard for our family, and I appreciate that more than I can ever tell him. Help him as he goes into the factory every morning. Let Your love shine through him, so that his co-workers can see the peace and joy You have placed in his heart.

    Father, I thank You again for bringing him into my life. I know I am not perfect, he is not perfect, and our marriage is not perfect. But we are perfect for each other because You created us to perfectly compliment one another. Help us both to put You first and each other second no matter what we do.

    In the precious name of Jesus I pray, Lord. Amen

Love Dare, Day 15

    I've been keeping up with the Love Dare, even though I haven't been as successful at keeping up with blog about it. I am sorry about that. Life just seems so busy sometimes. Especially while my boys were off school for Christmas vacation (I do not care that the school system calls it "Winter Break" now. They were off for Christmas vacation!). Let me tell you, it is not easy to write with three boys at home. The older two wanted to do nothing but fight and the youngest one ended up getting staples in his head. So yeah, writing took a bit of a backseat!

    The challenge for Day 15 was to "choose a way to show honor and respect to your spouse that is above and beyond your normal routine." I chose to do that by shoveling the sidewalks. Normally, my husband does that. But this week, we got quite a bit of snow. Especially on Wednesday and Thursday. He went in to work at 5:30 in the morning and got out at 3 in the afternoon. All the time in between was spent on his feet at a machine, making huge metal gears. I wanted to make his evening easier, so I went out to clear the walk. The snow was still falling, but that was OK. I figured if I at least got it cleared once it would make things easier for him. It would mean less snow for him to clear later. Our oldest son bundled up and went out there with me. We had a good time with it. You should have heard him giggle when I dumped a shovel full of snow over his head and then laugh when I stood still for him to get me back!

    When my hubby got home from work, we were still working on the sidewalk. My husband was not happy. He wasn't angry, really, but not happy that I was doing it. He said he appreciated the effort, but that I didn't need to do something like that. About a year ago, my doctor diagnosed me with a heart condition. The left side of my heart is slightly larger than the right. Apparently, this is a "normal" thing in overweight women. But even since then, my hubby has kind of been protective about me. He says he doesn't want me to do something that might make things worse. Then he helped me make dinner and we had a very nice evening together.

    Day 16 is an easier one. The challenge is to pray for your spouse. I've been doing that daily for a long time. I figure if he is worth spending time with (and he is) than he is definitely worth praying for.

Can We Talk?

Are there three more scary words a wife can hear from her husband than, "Can we talk?"

 

Yesterday morning, I sat at my laptop to get to work. When I opened it, a small piece of paper had stuck to the screen. I looked at it and say in my husband's handwriting, "Honey, can we talk tonight after the kids are in bed?" Immediately, my mind started racing. I went on the defensive—What did I do now? The night before our time alone didn't go quite as well as planned or hoped. I figured he was mad about that.

 

Great. Another fight about sex. Just what I need.

 

I had a lot to do yesterday. There wasn't time to stress and worry about what my husband might be upset about. My thought was actually, "I don't know why he is complaining. At least he got sex last night. So what if it wasn't mind-blowing? At least it was something!" Some men don't even get that. Heck, I have one friend who told me once her hubby is lucky to get it once every six months!

 

So the boys were in bed at 7 (fighting with each other and with Mom and Dad ended up with them all in bed an hour early). It was an agonizing hour, at least for me, until 8 pm rolled around and he was ready to talk. Part of me wanted to rush things, but I figured if he was the one who had something on his mind, I should let the conversation happen on his terms and in his timing.

 

When he did talk to me, it was not at all what I expected. He told me that he thinks I spend too much time playing around on Facebook (which, I suppose, he could be right about). He also said that it bothers him that Facebook seems more important to me than he is. I didn't know what to say back. Anything I said, I was afraid, would sound like an excuse or a defense for why I am on the computer so much. What really got to me, though, was when he said he could understand it if I was on the computer to write but that he had been "spying" on my Facebook activity through his account and knew that I was playing more than writing.

 

Thanks to The Love Dare, I didn't say anything back. I've work VERY hard to keep negative comments about him and his habits out of my vocabulary. As much as I wanted to snap at him that spying is wrong (all he had to do was ask, I wouldn't lie about what I've been doing on the computer), I didn't. I just kept my mouth shut, let him talk, and then went to bed.

 

This morning, I was not in much of a mood to do any Love Dare stuff. I mean, what's the point? I work on something, yet it is what I haven't done that he decides to "harp" on. Why work on showing him any love when I don't feel it in return? I don't feel much love at the moment and I don't feel like showing it. SO THERE!

 

But, I did open the book. And do you know what the first thing I read was? Here is the opening paragraph from Day Fourteen of The Love Dare:

 

One of the most important things you should learn on your Love Dare journey is that you should not just follow your heart. You should lead it. You don't let your feelings and emotions do the driving. You put them in the back seat and tell them where you are going.

 

OUCH!

 

As if that wasn't bad enough, I got to the challenge for the day. After reading it, I looked toward Heaven and said, "Lord, did you plan for me to read this today of all days?'

 

Here is what it says:

 

Purposefully neglect an activity you would normally do so you can spend quality time with your spouse. Do something he would love to do or a project he'd really like to work on. Just be together.

 

Once again, ouch!

 

I don't want to. Plain and simple, I do not want to do this one. Already I am giving up my quiet night alone to go to a Cub Scouts Pack Meeting with my husband and our boys. I am not in much of a mood to give up anything else.

 

SIGH.

 

But I guess I have to. I mean, I am supposed to be learning how to show unconditional love, right? And what can show that better than giving up what I'd like to do in order to spend time with a man who is frustrating me beyond belief?

A Little Catch Up

Christmas is not the best time to try writing a new blog!

This "Love Dare Thing", as my son refers to it, is worth putting my whole heart into. And I do not for one moment regret that I have started this journey. The only problem that I have had is finding the time to write about it.

OK, so maybe that isn't the only problem! I have not been good at doing one new Dare each day. Why? Mainly because I don't think I truly believed the book in the beginning when it said, "It is a challenging and often difficult process." Somehow, the idea of this process being "an incredibly fulfilling one" sounds so awesome that I just sort of skimmed over the challenging part. But here I am, three weeks into the Love Dare, according to the calendar, but only thirteen days into it, according to the book.

This is not just challenging. I mean, I like a challenge! This dare is HARD. Is it worth it? YES. With all my heart, I have to say that it is defiantly worth the time I put into it. I can already see changes in me, in my marriage, and even in the way my husband acts toward me. But to really show the love God desires for me to show my husband, I have to confront some things in myself that I'd rather continue to ignore.

For instance, Day Twelve of the Love Dare says, "Demonstrate love my willingly choosing to give in to an area of disagreement between you and your spouse. Tell them you are putting their preference first."

OUCH!

Why would I want to do that? Do his preferences matter that much more than mine do? Not really, by worldly standards. In fact, by worldly standards I am 100% in the right to say that my preferences are more important than his are. After all, doesn't the world emphasize putting ME first in everything?

Then again, that is where the problems of the world come from. When everyone puts ME first, it leads to millions of people thinking they are right and everyone else is wrong. Face it—we cannot possibly all be right all of the time. It's time to move past the "me first" mentality and get into a "God first" state of mind.

And that is what I intend to do this year.

I think the hardest part about putting my husband's preferences first for me is that I often feel like I already do that. There are a lot of areas in our life where I feel like it is what he wants that matters the most. Of course, I have this feeling that if you ask my husband, he will say that my preferences come first. So I guess what I really need to do is think about him, about the man God created to share my life.

There is one thing that I can really think of that I can do to show him that his needs and wants matter more than my own do. I have this horrible habit of not putting away laundry. If you go into my walk-in closet, you will see my husband's clothes hanging where they should be. But you will see my clothes piled up all over the place. On the dresser, beside the dresser, under the hanging bar, in corners. Some things have made it into the dresser, but they are not neat by any means. It annoys my husband that I live like that. It would be a good thing to do for him to clean up the closet and make an attempt at orderliness.