The title of day 18 of The Love Dare is "Love Seeks to Understand". I really like the way that the relationship between husband and wife is described here. Page 87 of the book says: "Consider the following perspective: if the amount you studied your spouse before marriage were equal to a high school diploma, then you should continue to learn about your mate until you gain a 'college degree', a 'master's degree', and ultimately a 'doctorate degree'." Life is a long learning process, and so is a marriage. If we knew every little thing there is to know about the one we married, life would be pretty boring.
The sad thing for me, though, is that I have to admit I don't know a whole lot about my husband. There are three questions written in this chapter that I cannot answer. I don't know my husband's greatest hopes and dreams. I do not understand how he prefers to give and receive love (perhaps if I did, this marriage would be a lot easier!). And his fears? No idea. I could guess, I think, but I don't know that I would be right.
How can we expect our marriage to survive—let alone thrive—if we are just two strangers living under one roof, sharing the same bed, and parenting the same children?
The challenge in this dare is to plan an evening for just the two of us where we can talk about some of these things. In the end of the book, there are 10 personal questions and 10 marital questions the authors suggest be used for this evening. The questions at least give a starting place for our conversation.
Finding time to do that is a problem, though. Life is busy. Take yesterday, for example. Yesterday I started my new job babysitting my infant nephew. After he left, I spent time doing some laundry (a never-ending task for a family of five!) and straightening up the house. I can't tell you how many times I sat down at the computer to write only to be sidetracked by a phone call or an email or the kids. When my husband got home from work, he went outside to wait for our pastor to get here. A belt had broke on the van, and my husband didn't know how to repair it. He's never been much of a "fix it" kind of man, but he is trying. I was very proud of him for braving the below freezing temperatures to not only keep Pastor Clive company while he fixed the van, but to also help out and learn how to do repairs on his own. When the repair was finished, my man came inside to clean up. I poured him something to drink and warmed up some dinner for him (he asked that I not make the kids wait to eat, as he didn't know how long he would be outside). He was freezing and settled into his Lazy Boy chair after he ate with a blanket over him, trying to warm up before bed. By 7, he was drifting off to sleep.
Tonight is Cub Scouts night. He is the Den Leader for our 6-year-old sons den, so he has to go to that. And tomorrow he leads a Bible study at the church. So I can't just sit here and wait for him to be able to finish this portion of The Love Dare. I think I know what I will do, though. I am considering typing up the questions from the book and emailing them to my husband. Not only do I want him to answer them when he can, I want to answer them myself. That way, when we have a chance to have quiet evening without chores or kids or car repairs or meetings, we can talk over them. It will be good for us to know each other better and to understand each other more.
Considering that I'm recently divorced, I don't know what you tell you about the relationship thing but I wanted to comment about your "constant interruptions while trying to write" thing.
ReplyDeleteBeen there.....heck, I'm still there. I'm mom to a 2 year old and a 4 year old and I work out of my home to be able to stay home with them. I realized a few months ago that I was popping up and down from my chair all day, getting them something, breaking up fights or fixing food...nevermind the household stuff...and not getting a lot of my work/writing done.
About a month ago, I realized that my kids can entertain themselves really well in the morning but it degrades quickly in the afternoon. So, now my mornings are my "writing time". After breakfast, I sit down at my desk, open my current project and write while they watch PBS or play, stopping when I need to deal with an emergency (fight or empty sippy cup) but always returning back to that project. Then the afternoons are spent with them and dealing with the house.
If I didn't have this set time to work, I wouldn't get anything done and the time with my kids would not be good quality time. You might want to do something similar, so your writing doesn't interfere with your family life and the other way around. ;-)
The same goes for quality time with your hubby: make a standing appointment every week so you can have your quality time together to talk things over and spend time together. Life gets to crazy these days, we sometimes forget what's important to us: US.
OK, I promise I'll get off my soapbox now. ;-) I'm subscribed to your RSS feed and every time you post something, I take a moment to pray for you and your family. It's good to see someone working to better themselves and their marriage.
Anne K.
(a fellow MomWriter)
http://workingonafullhouse.com
This reminded me of something I read in a book when my kids were babies. (Not that long ago!) It's something I keep telling myself I should do but I don't get around to actually forming the habit.
ReplyDeleteIt's called couch time.
What it is is a time of fifteen minutes where you and the hubs sit on the couch and talk. You talk about things that are important, how the day was, anything that you need to share about what is going on in the home or with the kids. It's a way of keeping communication open and making a few minutes in the busy day for your relationship.
The suggestion was to use a timer and let the kids know that they are not to interrupt you until the timer goes off.
Fifteen minutes.
I should do it every day after dinner but I don't.
Anyways... just wanted to share that in case it is something that you could use in your home.
Well, he asked me for a date tonight! After Scouts and after the kids are in bed. No TV, no computer, just us talking.
ReplyDelete