Day Two Recap

AARRUUGGHH!!!!!

Drat, screaming didn't make me feel any better.

I am frustrated beyond belief right now. No matter how hard I tried, I could only come up with one "unexpected gesture of kindness" to do for my hubby yesterday. He has been known to complain that I spend too much time at the computer, playing games, and not enough time paying attention to him and the kids. So I turned off my computer when he got home from work. I was in the kitchen, listening to my favorite radio station (Smile FM, if you are interested!) streaming on my laptop when he got home. As soon as I was finished in the kitchen, I turned the computer off. It didn't come back on until he was at Bible study and I was home with the kids.

I take that back—our youngest son wanted to play while the older two were washing dinner dishes. To keep him out of their way, I let him sit on my lap and we played a couple of games on NickJr.com. My husband was right here with us, listening to our son giggle as he pointed out the shapes and colors that Diego asked him to find. A very impressive feat for a 2 ½ year old, if you ask me!

So I went without the computer for the evening and I kept from saying anything negative to him. I am finding that it is a little easier each day to keep the negatives out of my speech. However, I could not keep the resentment out of my head yesterday.

My husband serves on the church board of administration and leads a mid-week Bible study at the church. I understand that being in a leadership position in the church isn't going to guarantee a perfect marriage or a perfect life. After all, I am the director of the Wesleyan Women's group at the church, and I know that I am not perfect. Still I can't help this certain level of resentment that boils up when he goes to a church function. Especially when he has been cold and distant toward me, and acts like going to church is just a great way to get away from me. When he left last night, I said, "I love you." He said….nothing. Is it possible that he didn't hear me? Yeah, I guess that is a possibility. Does that make it hurt any worse? Nope, not at all.

The resentment last night was so bad that I didn't even want to sleep in the same bed beside him. When I took our toddler to bed, I changed into my PJs and carried down my blankets and pillows. Sleeping on the couch seemed like a better alternative than trying to sleep beside him. I was afraid that if we went to bed together, I'd say something I didn't mean, something that would be much more negative than intended. Plus, I haven't slept well lately. It's hard to get a restful sleep when I am scared to accidently touch my husband in the night. The last time I tried to cuddle with him, he was less than receptive to it. One night, he even poked me in the ribs so hard to get me to move off of his side of the bed that I was surprised I didn't have a bruise in the morning. I hoped that sleeping on the couch would help me to relax more and really sleep.

The next part of the Dare is to buy something to show that I have been thinking about him. Not sure what to buy. Money is tight and it is Christmas time. What little extra we do have goes for the boys. I guess I'll have to think hard about this one.