Awesome!

My parents are awesome!

 

I suppose they always have been, but it wasn't until recent years that I really appreciated their awesomeness. Last Sunday was their 35^th anniversary. I wasn't there for the original wedding vows, but I can tell you how they have lived them out.

 

For better or for worse. The better I would think (at least I would hope!) are the six children they share. The worse would be the events of October 2008. Just a few days before Mom's 60^th birthday, Dad got a call at work from a neighbor and friend. Their house was on fire. I can only imagine what was going through Dad's head when he heard that news. The plan for that morning was for Mom to be at home with their youngest grandchild (my then 17-month-old son) that morning. As far as Dad knew, they were there, in a burning house. He called Mom's cell phone. My dad, like many men, is not known for showing his emotions. He's the kind of guy who has told his wife, "I told you when we got married that I love you. If it changes, I'll let you know." Yet I can't picture him that day without tears in his eyes when he heard Mom's voice. Her plans had changed that morning; not only was she not at home, she did not have my son with her. My parents met at their house and watched helplessly as flames tore through the roof. The firemen say the house probably only burned for about 30 or 40 minutes. But that was all that the flames needed to destroy nearly everything they owned. Somehow, Mom was able to joke about her grandkids warning her that if she lit all the candles on her birthday cake, she might start a fire. Dad said, "It's only stuff. We can replace that."

 

For richer, for poorer. The "poorer" part is something that we lived with for most of the time that I was growing up. Mom worked part-time, when she was able. For a while, Dad was laid off and working various odd jobs to support our family. There were a lot of struggles, but Mom and Dad got us through it. "Richer" can happen in a lot of ways. No matter what finances looked like, Mom and Dad let us know that we were rich in family and in love. Recently, the word has taken on a different meaning for my parents. Dad grew up on a farm in Washtenaw County, Michigan. After his mother passed away in 2001, the farm sat empty. One of my sisters lived there for a while, but it was never the same. Our family gathered at the farm on November 5, 2004, the day after my youngest sister got married, to watch as various fire departments in the area used the old house for a training exercise. We were all pretty emotional as the house burned slowly to the ground. That left a 70-acre farm that Dad and his brother rented out to local farmers. I'm sure it was a hard decision for them, but they put the land on the market. It sold in early 2008. The sale didn't make my parents millionaires, but it did give them enough money to be comfortable.

 

In sickness and in health. My parents have faced their own fair share of sickness. Or maybe they have faced more than their own share. Heart attack, bouts of depression, diverticulitis, knee replacement. Possibly the biggest threat that illness has made on their marriage came before they had been married for even ten years. Mom was diagnosed with cancer in 1982. I was six, and my memories of that are very hazy at best. I know that Mom was gone for a long time. My sisters said she had a tumor in her hip, but I didn't equate that to cancer in my young mind. All I understood was that something was growing in her hip that shouldn't be and that her doctors were mean, keeping her away from her family. Years later, I learned more of what happened back then. The type of cancer she had was very rare and very deadly. Her doctors told her she might not live through the surgery to remove the tumor. If she did live, she would lose her leg. If she didn't lose her leg, she would never walk again. She lived through it and though she has quite a limp she can walk. She survived and so did their marriage.

 

Mom and Dad have been a great example of love and marriage to me and my sisters. No, they are not perfect. No one is. But I think I was pretty lucky to be born into their family. No, it's not luck. It's a blessing. God knew exactly what kind of parents I would need, and He made sure to put me into their family. I'm happy to have them in my life.

 

I love you, Mommy and Daddy.

Why Love?

Why do you love your husband?

After a great day nine of the Love Dare, I opened the book to find this question. How is a girl supposed to answer that?

 

There is the physical reason: He is HOT!

 

There is the sentimental reason: He has been in my life since I was 18. How can I not love him?

 

There is the sarcastic reason: Someone has to do it!

 

I can list the things that I love about him—his sense of humor (most of the time I love it, anyway!), his beautiful blue eyes, his willingness to work at a crappy job to support our family, the way he takes care of me when I am not feeling well, his love for our children. But that's all they are—just things. If he wasn't funny, never had his eyes open, quit his job, stop taking care of me and ignored our kids, would I still love him? I don't think I would want to love him then.

And I think that is what it comes down to. I want—truly, madly, deeply WANT—to love my husband. Life is interesting with him. Sure, there are moments when he drives me absolutely insane! There have been times when I have struggled to find the reasons why I even like him. But even then, I have loved him.

 

We started dating in high school. Broke up for two years while I figured some stuff out about who I am. I dated others in that time, but it was my husband that I thought about. He is the one that I missed being near. His hand is the one I wanted to hold. His lips are the ones I wanted to kiss. No one else has ever made me feel the excitement that he does. Facing life without him…. It's not something I wanted to do 13 years ago, and it is not something I even want to think about doing now.

 

I know I don't always show him that love. Sometimes, I really take him for granted. That is why I started out on this journey through The Love Dare; I want to know how to love him better, how to show him love, and how to make his life as wonderful as he has made mine.

 

Yesterday, I continued with the loving greeting toward him. I tried to smile every time he walked into the room. The Dare was to do one unexpected thing to show my love for him. I did a few! I did the laundry (which is a chore he normally does because I just can't stand it!) and I filled his truck up with gas. When I woke up in the night unable to sleep, I put my arms around him and prayed for him. Of course, I also said the words "I love you" to him throughout the day. But I made sure that this time it was more than just words. I wanted him to see my love in action.

Beginning Day Nine

Tomorrow I will write more about how this day has impacted our marriage, but I wanted to say how excited I am that I have started on the Dare today. Even better—I started on it before I even read it!

 

Today's Love Dare deals with how I greet my husband. The challenge is to greet him with joy and love every time I see him. In a way, I could see how this would be hard. He is not feeling well today and didn't go to work. I don't know how it works in your house, but I know that around here it is harder to get a lot of cleaning done when my husband and my kids are home. The boys are here because of Christmas vacation. Our plan was to go through some clothes and toys, packing away all the summer stuff that was missed and put aside anything that can be sold in a yard sale this spring. But with my hubby being home, I don't know how well that will work out. He has a different idea of what "clean" is than I do! (He was raised by a complete neat freak. No joke—after her strokes, my mother-in-law didn't always know who I was or who her kids were, but by golly she knew if her doilies and knickknacks were moved!) He doesn't really believe that hanging onto anything is a good idea. The stuff that I put aside for a yard sale he likely will say can go in the trash or out to the Goodwill. My first thought when I realized he was not working today was, "Great. I'll never get done with what I need to do."

 

That isn't how I greeted him, though. He is still sleeping, and he doesn't know that I am feeling a little frustrated that my plans may not pan out the way I had hoped. What did I do? I rolled over, put my arms around him, and prayed for his healing. I know he heard me, because he patted my hand and said thank you.

 

Now, to see if I can keep up the "pleasant" greetings with him all throughout the day.

Day Eight of The Love Dare

Determine to become your spouse's biggest fan…share with your spouse how glad you are about a success he or she recently enjoyed.

OK, so I don't know if this counts, really, as a "recent" success, but it was the first success that came to mind. In June, 2008, my husband graduated from Baker College with a BA in marketing. Tonight, I told him how I proud I am that he did that. After all, he was working full-time and helping me care for our three children as he went to school. He had to make a lot of sacrifices to finish college, and it took him a lot longer than he had planned. But he did it! That is an awesome accomplishment.

Along with the accomplishments, my husband had to deal with some frustrations and resentment. The frustrations came from himself and to some extent from me.

The resentment? That was all me.

We graduated from high school in 1994 (yikes, did I just admit my age?). In June 1998, he graduated from Jackson Community College with an associate degree. His mother and I were in the audience, watching him receive the degree, and cheering loudly for him. Three months later, his mother suffered the first in a series of strokes. He took the fall semester off to take care of her. Working full-time, looking after his younger brothers and sister, and traveling to visit his mother (at one point, she was in a rehab facility nearly 90 minutes away from home) took up too much time. He couldn't concentrate on school at the same time. And since he was suddenly the only one to provide financial support for his little sister and 3 younger brothers, quitting his job or cutting back on his hours was out of the question. He said he was going to just give up on school all together so he could bring his mother home to recover. I convinced him not to do that. Instead, I gave up a full-time job and moved into his mother's home. He was closer to finishing school than I was, and I didn't want him to give up on his education. His mother was very proud of her college graduate son, and I hoped that pride would help her continue to get better.

That is where the resentment began. We were not yet married, yet I gave up everything to help out his family. In return, he was supposed to finish college and find a good job to support the family that we planned to start. Instead, he worked at Burger King and put school on hold. He worked long hours as an assistant store manager in a store 30 minutes from our home. Sometimes, my needs and plans we made together were pushed aside so that he could work more—if the store manager needed his help, he took off to give it. If I hadn't known better, I would have thought he was having an affair with her. In fact, if you read my journals from that time, you would see how much I wondered about their relationship. I never thought it was a sexual relationship; the manager was, after all, old enough to be his mother. But I often felt like she mattered to him more than I did, like her wants and needs were more important than mine. There were times when I wondered if we would even get married. I was afraid that she would need him to work on our wedding day and he would take off.

Shortly before our second child was born in 2003, I decided that I would go back to school. One of us needed to finish, right? Things were going well with that, until a miscarriage in 2005. I fell apart, failed my classes that term, and completely gave up. My husband, though, had decided if I could finish school, so could he. And the miscarriage didn't stop him. That sure added to the resentment. Even though he was only in school part-time, he was still in school. I was spiraling into depression, struggling to keep things together in front of our kids and just get through a day without hurting myself. He was working outside the home full-time and doing school work inside the home part-time. When he was here, I was still the one "parenting" the boys while he closed himself up in a room to do his school work.

Even the day of his graduation, I felt like I had made a lot of sacrifices for him to get through school. But it would all be worth it when he started to use that degree and had a better job, right? That didn't happen. Not that I blame him for it. The economy in Michigan was pretty bad before the rest of the country started to have problems. He has kept his factory job because of the benefits. If he could find a job in marketing that came with the same pay and a comparable benefit package, he would likely take it.

You might not be able to tell from what I have written here. To me, this sounds like a lot of complaining and griping. But I really am proud of my husband. I've moved past the resentment stage. Today I feel bad for it. He worked hard to better himself and try to provide a better life for our family. His college degree is just one thing that he has done to show his love for me and our children. I appreciate all the hard work that he put into it and hope that someday I can repay him for it.

Day Seven and an Apology

Please forgive me for not posting yesterday. It is my intention to blog everyday about my Love Dare experience. Life just got in the way yesterday.

Actually, it is more accurate to say that death got in the way yesterday.

A very close family friend—she may as well be family as her two older brothers married my two younger sisters—received devastating news at a routine prenatal appointment Wednesday. Her baby—a boy just five weeks shy of his due date—had no heartbeat. She and her husband were shocked. They had no indication that anything at all was wrong. Little Logan had been moving normally in the morning. By her afternoon appointment, there was no heartbeat and the ultrasound showed no movement. Due to a lack of beds, she was sent home. Yesterday, her husband, parents, and in-laws gathered around her in the labor and delivery room as she gave birth to a 4 pound, 3 ounce, beautiful baby boy. I'm told that he had lots of dark hair with blonde tips on the end, and that he looked like his mother. This little family, as expected, is devastated. She will be released from the hospital today, but instead of planning out his nursery, she has to plan a funeral for her first child.

It's been hard to concentrate on much of anything other than this little family. Somehow, I did get through my Day Seven Dare, though. I haven't even looked at Day Eight yet. I hope to be able to do that when my 2-year-old is napping.

For Day Seven, I had to make two lists—one of my husband's good qualities and one of his bad. At first, I thought it was going to be harder to make the good list than the bad. To my surprise, it wasn't. I struggled to come up with negatives. As I have gone along this Dare, I have started to focus on all of the positive attributes that helped me fall in love with him in the first place. Even for this Dare, it was hard to come up with much negative to say about him. The negative list I did come up with is actually smaller than the list of positives. That is a miracle!

I have decided that I will not share those lists here. I will share the second part of the Dare. The directions say to pick a positive attribute and thank your spouse for it. That was easy. Well, sort of! It wasn't as easy to come up with just one thing to thank him for. I thanked him for working so hard for our family. And I thanked him for being so caring. This baby loss has brought to mind thoughts of our miscarriage. He called me from work yesterday to make sure I was holding up all right. I really appreciate his thoughtfulness.

Not Sure About Day Six

I don't know really what to say about Day Six of the Love Dare. It has been the most confusing day of the Dare so far. "Choose today to react to tough circumstances in your marriage in loving ways instead of with irritation. Begin by making a list below of areas where you need to add margin to your schedule. Then list any wrong motivations that you need to release from your life." I am not even sure I know what that means. I had to read the lesson a few times over. Because of that, I took two days to complete this Dare instead of just one.

The best that I can come up with is that "adding margin" means "taking a break". I looked at it like a piece of paper. There are margins all around the page, white spaces that give the eye a little rest when reading. So I am thinking that to "add margin" to my schedule means I need to build in some break times. That makes sense, especially when it comes to my writing. When I get into a project, I don't like to stop. I don't even like to stop long enough to make dinner for my family. There are times when my writing project becomes more important than anything else in my life. That is definitely something that I need to work on.

My writing is also a place where I know I have "wrong motivations." I'll admit—I have this dream in my head of being as famous for my writing as Karen Kingsbury or J.K. Rowling. It would be wonderful to know that my books, stories, and characters are as well known and well loved as Karen's. And to have the huge financial success that J.K. has had…wow! Yet I know that allowing the fame and fortune to be my motivation would be wrong. If God intends me to have that kind of fame and fortune, He will lead it my way. If I chase after it…. Well, I just don't see much good coming from that.

Instead, I need to focus on why I write in the first place. The big reason—I write because I cannot NOT write. The characters and the stories grow in my head until there is just no room for anything. I have to get them out on paper (or computer screen!).

The even bigger reason I write is why I think those stories get into my head—to reach others for Christ. I don't know if you have read any of my work, but my characters are far from perfect. In my first novel, Joel turned away from a calling to preach and has ignored God for 15 years. In my second, Laura is a single mother, still in love with her 9-year-old daughter's father, a man she never married. In the third, I have characters dealing with rape, drugs, pornography, and adultery. In my not-yet-released fourth novel, the characters are dealing with a 20-year-old crime and the implications that event has on them now. None of these people have perfect lives. Even the ones who have a deep-rooted faith in Christ find themselves doubting Him at times. I believe that God has given me these stories and characters to show the need for a Savior—if we were perfect, Christ would not have needed to give His life for us.

I am not sure that this really relates back to the Love Dare. Then again, I guess it does. The Love Dare is about learning to love your mate and to show that love in and even deeper, stronger, more meaningful way. My writing career can benefit our marriage by taking some of the financial pressures off of my husband. He works hard for our family at a job he doesn't like, a job that doesn't really challenge him intellectually. Keeping my motivation—to reach others for Christ, as I feel He is asking me to do—in front of me as I write, maybe I will be able to bring in enough money to ease that burden on him. Maybe then he would be able to say no some overtime and be able to spend more time at home with his family.

Whether I really got the point of this Dare or not, I don't know. But this is the best that I could do with it.

On to Day Seven. I need to make one list of positives about my husband and one list of negatives. This could get interesting….

A Renewed Commitment

In 2005, my husband and I began a friendship with a couple who was new to our church. They were close to our age, had children about the same ages as ours, and had been married for as long as we had. Best of all, they shared our Christian faith, something that not many of our friends at the time did.

My husband and I were married in January 2000. This couple said I Do in May 2000. As we got to know each other more, I discovered that she had a lot of regrets about her wedding. Oh, not so much about the marriage—she was happy and as in love with him as the day they exchanged vows. But she felt like she had been cheated out of the wedding she wanted. Her mother-in-law tends to be—how can I put this nicely?—somewhat domineering. This was her only son, her only child, getting married, and she had a picture in her mind of what his wedding should be. He was not good at standing up to Mom, no matter what the woman he loved said, so instead of this bride getting the wedding of her dreams, she got the wedding of her mother-in-law's dreams. This led to a lot of issues with her husband and a lot of resentment toward her mother-in-law. I suggested to my friend that she might want to consider renewing her wedding vows. That way, she could plan out the wedding she always wanted and maybe move past some of her regrets. She liked the idea, but she didn't want to do it alone. She talked to her husband and I talked to mine, and we agreed to renew our vows together in March, 2010—six weeks before her 10^th anniversary and 6 weeks after mine.

The plan sort of fizzled out. The other couple began to attend a new church, and we sort of drifted apart. Still, my husband and I thought that renewing our vows was a perfect way to celebrate our 10^th anniversary. At one point, we even reserved our church for the day after our anniversary. But that was all of the planning that we did. This past Sunday, the pastor asked my husband if we still wanted to do it. Hubby came home and asked me, and I said yes. Even though things are not perfect right now (as if any marriage ever is truly perfect), I think that renewing our vows is a good idea. It will affirm to each of us that we are with the person God wants us to be with, and it reaffirms our commitment to make this marriage last.

It will not be a huge lavish party. We are going to invite a few friends and our family to watch the ceremony and share cake and punch with us afterward. I am really looking forward to it, and I thank God for giving us the chance to do this and to spend our lives together.

Recap of Day Five

The hardest part of this dare was asking my husband to point out my flaws. Hearing him list them was not a problem. Evben giving him the time he asked for to think about the ways I irritate him was not so bad. It was actually working up the courage to ask him to think about those irritating qualities that was hard.

No. That's not really true. It wasn't so much a matter of working up the courage as it was working on my heart. I needed to prepare my heart to hear his "complaints" without being hurt—and prepare my mind to hear without becoming defensive.

This could have been a disaster. Just a week ago, I would have laughed at even thinking about asking him to point out anything in me that is less than perfect; there is NO WAY I would have opened myself up for that kind of criticism. And if it was offered…well, I would not have listened to it very well!

I approached my husband very confidently after he was home from work on Saturday. He said he wanted to take a shower, and I said, "That's great. Would you be willing to think about something while you are showering?" Then I told him that I wanted to know three things about me that irritate him or make him uncomfortable. His eyes got wide, and he said slowly, "Are you sure want me to answer that?" I gave a sort of nervous giggle as I said, "Not really, but I think I need you to answer it." (Funny how the difference between "want" and "need" can be a painful kind of thing to admit!) He said he would, but wanted to take some time to think it over.

He waited until the boys were in bed before he gave me his answers. Let me tell you—it was NOT easy to not be defensive as I listened to the three things that bug him most about me!

My husband's Top Three Annoyances are—

I spend too much time playing games on the computer.

I am too judgmental about people.

I don't have a sense of humor.

OK, the first one I didn't have to be defensive about. It's not like I could really defend myself against that one. No defense for something that is true. I have been making a conscious effort, though, to not play games in the evening when he is here. If I am going to do something that annoys him, I figure I should do it when he is not home to be annoyed by it! Seriously, though, I am trying to limit my computer time. If I am working on the computer when he is home, I want it to be because I am actually working.

As for being judgmental…. OUCH. That one kind of hit home. I don't mean to be judgmental, but I suppose in a lot of ways I am. One of my cousins mentioned today that I was being too judgmental when I commented that one of our uncles doesn't seem to have a relationship with Christ. Honest, I was not trying to judge him. I was just expressing my concern about not only his physical health (doctors believe he is experiencing kidney failure), but also about his spiritual health. Maybe I just started my concerns wrong. I will have to work on that one.

As far as the sense of humor, I saw HA! I don't think the problem is so much that I am missing a sense of humor as that we find different things to be funny. Not real sure how we can work on that one.

The Dare for today is once again about me. "Choose today to react to tough circumstances in your marriage in loving ways instead of with irritation. Begin by making a list below of areas where you need to add margin to your schedule. Then list any wrong motivations that you need to release from your life." UGH!!! LOL Let me tell you, I much prefer the things where I have to do something tangible to demonstrate love to my husband. It hurts a lot less than looking at the problems in myself.

Just to let you know

Today is Sunday, family day at my house. We will be in church this morning and then just spending time together all afternoon. I try HARD not to do a lot of writing on Sundays. I will write out my blog post by hand while the kids nap, but the results of Day Five of my dare won't be posted until Monday. Don't worry, though!!! You'll get Day Five and Day Six both!

Love Dare, Day four

Yesterday was a good day. For the first time in this Dare, I didn't have to bite my tongue to keep from saying something negative to my husband! Of course, I think that had more to do with the way he acted than the way I have been changing. He was attentive and loving—a big switch from what he was a week ago.

The Dare for yesterday was to contact him during the day. As I said, that is not something that I could do. He works in a factory and is not allowed personal phone calls at work. Someone suggested that I send him a special text message. I laughed at that—not because it was a bad suggestion but because texting would require him to have a cell phone. He doesn't. My husband doesn't see the need for one. I have one, a pay-as-you-go model. The only reason he agreed to that was so that I would have a number for potential agents and editors to reach me. Our oldest son is trying to convince me to get a phone for Daddy (excuse me, DAD; son is 8 now and too old call us Mommy and Daddy) for Christmas. Don't think I didn't consider it! But as I know he really won't use it, it seemed like a waste of money.

Instead of calling him, I sent him an email just to say I LOVE YOU. He seemed to really like that.

The book has the following question posted for yesterday's dare: "How could this become a more natural, routine, and genuinely helpful part of your lifestyle?" I spend A LOT of my day on the computer. There is no reason I can't send him a little love note or ecard once or twice a week. Probably not every day, though. I don't think that would really be helpful. It almost seems like a daily note or card would be more clingy and needy than anything. As for how this can be helpful, I am almost afraid my reasoning sounds selfish. In the course of my depression counseling, my therapist suggested that I make a list of things my husband could do to make me feel more loved and needed. If I want him to do little things for me, shouldn't I be doing them for him, too? Just a small, simple gesture of love can go a long way in showing hi m how I feel and how much I value him in my life. And it could help him to see ways that he can show love to me as well.

But I wonder—is it wrong for me to want to do it in hopes that he will do for me?

Honestly, I am not going through the Love Dare to get him to change. Sure, there are things that I want to change in my husband. Any woman who says there are not irritating things about her husband that she would change is probably lying! But that is not my reason for doing this. I am doing the Dare to change myself, to teach myself how to focus on someone other than just me. Looking back on the nearly 10 years of our marriage, I can see where he really has done more for me than I have him. Including the c-sections, I have had 6 surgeries throughout our marriage. The most recent surgery led to nearly 2 weeks in the hospital. My husband has had to take care of me and the kids when I've been unable to. He even works a job that he doesn't like, and managed to earn 2 college degrees in the last 4 years. And what have I done for him? I don't even know that I have thanked him for the things he has done. I am not sure that I have ever thanked him for the sacrifices he has made for our family. If that isn't selfish, I don't know what is.

Today's Dare is going to be another hard one. "Ask your spouse to tell you three things that cause him to be uncomfortable or irritated with you." OUCH! This one is gonna hurt. I don't take criticism well at all. He is working again today (mandatory overtime, which I am beyond grateful for). Looks like I will be spending a lot of time in prayer, preparing my heart to hear what irritating things my husband needs to share with me.

Day Three Breakthrough

Yesterday was a very interesting day. I was not expecting it to be much different from the days before. When I told my husband "I love you" before he left for work yesterday morning, he was response was less than encouraging. He looked at our sons, who were getting ready to head out to the bus stop, and said, "I love you all." He didn't look at me or sound like it was meant for me. I held my tears back while the boys were here. There is no point in getting the kids upset. My oldest son is 8, and he has been picking up on my level of depression a lot lately. If he saw me break down and cry, I don't think it would have been easy for him to leave me alone. So I put on the bravest face I could for the kids. Once the bus had picked them up, though, I squeezed my teddy bear and cried on his shoulder.

My Dare for yesterday was to buy something that showed I was thinking about my husband. Boy, I was really unsure how to do that. We don't have a lot of extra money. My husband is one of those who thinks a gift should be practical—his Christmas wish list often contains sock, underwear, and a scrapper for his truck. I wanted to be at least a little more romantic and thoughtful than that. What I came up with was a box of his favorite fresh chocolate chip cookies from the Wal-Mart bakery and a 2-liter bottle of Diet Mountain Dew. Maybe not spectacular, but at least I knew it was something that he would appreciate. I wasn't going to make a big deal out of it. I figured I would just break out the Dew with dinner and set the box of cookies on the table for dessert. I expected that it would not even be noticed.

What I completely did not expect was what my husband did.

He was late getting home from work. I assumed that was because of the snow and ice on the roads. And then when he went into his office and shut the door. I assumed that he was just trying to avoid me. Both assumptions were wrong.

When he came out of the office, he had a card, a candle, and a box of chocolates in his hands. He had written on the card, "Just wanted to say sorry for the way I have been treating you. Thank you for loving me, even when I don't make it easy for you."

WOW.

That was a huge shock. It lead to the two of us having dinner together and sitting up to talk after the kids went to sleep. It was a very nice discussion. We were able to talk about our problems, without yelling. We promised to be honest with one another. It seemed to work well. He put his wedding band back on. That's a good step. And I told him that I had started this blog. I even offered to take it down if it bothered him that I was being so public about our struggles. He said I should keep it going. Things are not perfect, not by any means. But at least we had a good night. We even cuddled close together before bed last night.

One of the things that we decided to do is get up early in the morning and start our day with each other and with God. Normally, he gets up at five to have his coffee and get ready for work and then I get up half an hour later to get the kids ready for school. I offered to get up early, share a cup of coffee, and some quiet time with him. On my book case, I had three different books about marriage, about learning to have a better marriage, one more like what God intends. I picked them up this summer at yard sales and thrift shops. (What can I say? I am a book junkie!) I suggested that we get those out and work through one of them together. The one we agreed on is "God's Little Devotional Book for Couples". I think he was surprised when I actually got out of bed with him this morning so that we could spend that time together.

This morning, after he went to work, I read day four in the Love Dare. The Dare for today will be hard, maybe even impossible, for me to do as written. I am supposed to contact him during the course of the day for no reason but to find out if there is anything I can do for him. He works in a factory, where personal phone calls are frowned upon. Sure, completing the Dare is important to me. But I don't know that I want to jeopardize his job to do it. Good thing I am creative. I'll have to come up with some way that I can show that I am thinking about him and I care about him, without interrupting his work schedule.

Day Two Recap

AARRUUGGHH!!!!!

Drat, screaming didn't make me feel any better.

I am frustrated beyond belief right now. No matter how hard I tried, I could only come up with one "unexpected gesture of kindness" to do for my hubby yesterday. He has been known to complain that I spend too much time at the computer, playing games, and not enough time paying attention to him and the kids. So I turned off my computer when he got home from work. I was in the kitchen, listening to my favorite radio station (Smile FM, if you are interested!) streaming on my laptop when he got home. As soon as I was finished in the kitchen, I turned the computer off. It didn't come back on until he was at Bible study and I was home with the kids.

I take that back—our youngest son wanted to play while the older two were washing dinner dishes. To keep him out of their way, I let him sit on my lap and we played a couple of games on NickJr.com. My husband was right here with us, listening to our son giggle as he pointed out the shapes and colors that Diego asked him to find. A very impressive feat for a 2 ½ year old, if you ask me!

So I went without the computer for the evening and I kept from saying anything negative to him. I am finding that it is a little easier each day to keep the negatives out of my speech. However, I could not keep the resentment out of my head yesterday.

My husband serves on the church board of administration and leads a mid-week Bible study at the church. I understand that being in a leadership position in the church isn't going to guarantee a perfect marriage or a perfect life. After all, I am the director of the Wesleyan Women's group at the church, and I know that I am not perfect. Still I can't help this certain level of resentment that boils up when he goes to a church function. Especially when he has been cold and distant toward me, and acts like going to church is just a great way to get away from me. When he left last night, I said, "I love you." He said….nothing. Is it possible that he didn't hear me? Yeah, I guess that is a possibility. Does that make it hurt any worse? Nope, not at all.

The resentment last night was so bad that I didn't even want to sleep in the same bed beside him. When I took our toddler to bed, I changed into my PJs and carried down my blankets and pillows. Sleeping on the couch seemed like a better alternative than trying to sleep beside him. I was afraid that if we went to bed together, I'd say something I didn't mean, something that would be much more negative than intended. Plus, I haven't slept well lately. It's hard to get a restful sleep when I am scared to accidently touch my husband in the night. The last time I tried to cuddle with him, he was less than receptive to it. One night, he even poked me in the ribs so hard to get me to move off of his side of the bed that I was surprised I didn't have a bruise in the morning. I hoped that sleeping on the couch would help me to relax more and really sleep.

The next part of the Dare is to buy something to show that I have been thinking about him. Not sure what to buy. Money is tight and it is Christmas time. What little extra we do have goes for the boys. I guess I'll have to think hard about this one.

Day One

Well, Day One of my Love Dare is in the books. It could have gone better, but it could have gone a lot worse, too.

Yesterday's assignment—say nothing negative to my husband all day long—went well. I could easily have failed it. My husband didn't talk to me much at all, which was rather frustrating. I could have blown up at any time—and I have been known to do that in the past—but I didn't. Instead, I kept smiling. I don't want to let his actions, reactions, or lack thereof, keep me from doing what I need to do. I have to trust that as I am learning how to practice unconditional love, God will open up my hubby's heart to receive it.

Any conversations we had we started by me and most contained only one or two lines of dialogue from him. But we didn't fight! That is a positive thing.

My mother, my best friend, and my sister—when I told them about finding his wedding ring on the dresser—suggested that maybe he just left it at home rather than risk losing it from his pocket at work. That didn't sound right to me. I remember one time, about 2 or 3 years ago, when he was late coming home from work because he had left his ring in his work pants and tossed them into the laundry bin at work. He wouldn't leave until he had gone through everything in that bin and found the ring. Somehow, I didn't think it was just a protective measure. I watched him when he got home from work, to see if he would put the ring back on. He never did. Though he went to that dresser once or twice, he never came down with his wedding band on. I wanted to ask him about it. I didn't, though. Partly because of the Dare (I wasn't sure if I could ask and not have a negative word or two slip out) and partly because of my own ring.

I'll admit, I don't always wear my wedding and engagement rings. While I was pregnant with our oldest child, my hormones caused some sort of reaction with the metal in the rings. Well, with the metal in any jewelry, actually. I couldn't wear earrings or rings or necklaces. I'd keep my wedding band on a string around my neck. That didn't seem to bother me, and I had the ring with me all the time. Ever since then, though, I've had trouble when I have the rings on and get my hands wet. So I often take off my rings and place them either on the kitchen windowsill or on my desk while I do the dishes. Only, I don't always remember to slip them back on. In the past year, I've had a problem with my fingers swelling when I sleep. Again, I will take the rings off over night for comfort purposes, and then forget to put them back on in the morning. My husband has never said much about it. Once or twice, he has commented that maybe he shouldn't have spent that money on rings for me. It never really occurred to me that it might hurt him to know I wasn't wearing my rings. Seeing his ring on the dresser and then looking at his empty ring finger last night, I finally understood. If his heart feels even a fraction of the ache that mine does, I will never take the rings off again. I kept them on while I slept last night and while I showered. And guess what? My finger didn't fall off!!! I did slip the rings off long enough to dry my finger and dry the rings very well, but then I put them right back on. It might seem like a little thing, but I don't want to take them off if not wearing my rings will upset my husband.

The place where I feel like I struggled a little yesterday was when we were heading to bed. Here in mid-Michigan, our first snow storm of the year arrived last night. While we didn't get as much snow as many parts of the country did, it was very cold here. My hubby wrapped his blanket tight around him. I asked if he wanted to cuddle so we could keep warm. He said, "No thanks. I'm good." Then he turned his back to me. That hurt. I said, "I kind of figured that was going to be your answer." I didn't say it in a rude way, but I am still not sure if it counts as negative or not. He didn't say anything more. I just sighed and said, "I love you, good-night." He muttered something that sounded like it might have been "I love you". It wasn't very convincing, though. Still, if he said it, that must mean there is probably hope, right?

Today's part of the dare is going to be a bit harder: "In addition to saying nothing negative to your spouse today, do at least one unexpected gesture as an act of kindness." I have no idea how I am going to do this one. In our family, we have a kitchen cleaning schedule. Monday is my hubby's day. To be nice, I cleaned the kitchen real well before I made dinner. He said something about not wanting me to hold it over his head that I had done that on his kitchen night. I wasn't trying to have something to hold over his head. All I wanted to do was be nice. He works hard in a shop all day. I work from home. I thought if I cleaned for him it would give him a chance to relax and not have to worry about anything after work. His reaction made me feel

What this is about

One of my favorite movies is Fireproof. It's not a perfect movie. Some of the dialogue is cheesy and the acting doesn't all flow well. That doesn't matter, though. It's the message in the story that is so wonderful. It's not something that is normally seen in a Hollywood film. It is the story of a rocky marriage, and the husband who is willing to do whatever he has to keep the marriage from dying. The message—that wedding vows should be taken seriously and not given up on easily—is one that more people need to hear. Shortly before my wedding, I told my husband-to-be that I intend to celebrate my 50^th wedding anniversary. He said he had the same goal.

Never would I have dreamed that barely ten years into our life together we would be facing some of the same problems as Caleb and Catherine.

Things have been shaky for a while. In 2005, we experienced a miscarriage. I think that is where the downturn really came in. My sex drive dropped unbelievably low—mostly out of fear of ever going through that same pain and heartache again. A past history of clinical depression reared its head. These two things combined to drive a wedge between us. Though I have never doubted my love for him, there have been times when I wondered about his love for me. And even though I knew—and I still know—that I love my husband, that he is the man that God created for me to love, and that my life would be nothing without him, we have had times when communication is a real issue. For the past week, it's been particularly bad. Still, it caught me off guard to see his wedding ring sitting on top of his dresser this morning.

There are things that I feel like I need from my marriage that my husband isn't providing. While thinking about those things, I realized that there are probably things he needs that I am not providing. I made the decision to work on myself, to study God's word and be the wife that God intends me to be. When I saw his ring—something that he has apologized for having to take off at work—sitting there, the need to get myself straightened out felt even more urgent.

In Fireproof, Caleb Holt used a book called The Love Dare to learn more about love and how to show his love to his wife. My husband and I bought that book. It's been sitting on a bookshelf, collecting dust. After we bought it, I tried to follow it. Caring for three children and other responsibilities got in the way. Because I had read part of it, I knew a little bit about what this Love Dare is all about. I know that two of the "dares" are to not say anything negative toward your spouse and to do something nice for him or her. So that is what I did yesterday. I didn't expect my "something nice" to be received so coolly. If he hadn't noticed, that would have been OK. But when he said that he didn't want me to hold it over his head that I had done something for him…. Well, to say that hurt would be an understatement. It was nearly enough to make me give up on this whole thing.

But I am not going to! Our marriage is worth fighting for. I am not going to just sit idly by and let it die. This morning, I pulled out the book and committed myself to completing all 40 days of The Love Dare. One suggestion in the book is to keep notes on how things have changed in the marriage and in yourself because of the actions you have taken in the dare. I wasn't sure where to keep these notes. That is where this blog comes in. Even if I am the only one who ever reads it, at least I can know that I have put my thoughts out there.

From start to finish, there are 40 days in the Love Dare. Today is my Day One. Keeping on track will have me finished on January 17. That is about 12 days before my 10^th wedding anniversary. Seems like a good anniversary gift.

For both of us.