Need Prayer

    All of this work that I am putting into making my marriage better and I feel like I blew it all with one little mistake. I could really use your prayers throughout the day.

    Finances are a problem for a lot of people. The trouble that I have is when a money problem pops up I try to solve it myself. It's hard for me to share with my husband when bills are behind or there is no money to do something that needs to be done. I have a bad habit of trying to fix it on my own and not telling my husband until I have to.

    This morning, I had to call him about a problem. I was shaking as I called. I braced myself to be yelled at. While he was mad about it, he surprised me by saying this is our fault, not all mine. He didn't yell at all. He did let me know that he is not pleased and very concerned about this. But he also said that he knows we can work through this together.

    In some ways, that made me feel worse. I am sure that is satan trying to bring me down. My husband works hard for our family, and I feel like a failure for not being able to help out much.

    My cousin sent me this verse this morning. I think it was exactly what I needed to hear!! Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God; and the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus. (Philip 4.6-7)

 
 

Setting Some Ground Rules

My husband and I have had our fair of fights. Sometimes, I think we have had more than our fair share. If you are married, I am sure you have felt the same way. Depressing as it may sound, there is no such thing as a conflict-free marriage.

 

One aspect of the wedding ceremony seems a bit misleading. I remember watching as my mother and my soon-to-be mother-in-law each lit a tall white candle. Later on, after vowing to love one another forever, my husband and I each took one of those candles in hand, and together we lit the larger center candle. When it was lit, we carefully blew out the candles out mothers had lit. The unity candle is a symbol of two lives becoming one. The misleading part, I think, is when the two single candles are blown out. Sure, the husband and wife are now one, but they still have distinct personalities. At times, those personalities combine to make a bright light in the dark. At other times, those personalities clash, making a fire that can consume anything in its path!

 

Married life would be a lot easier if couples understood that fighting is a normal part of life. Even more important, though, is that there is a proper way to fight. Discovering what that proper way is for your own marriage is important. That is what day 13 of The Love Dare is about.

 

I'll be honest—I sort of just skimmed over this one when I originally read it. My husband and I have not been fighting much lately. When we have had a disagreement, we have discussed it calmly. So I really didn't want to think about fights at all. When I read this dare, I did talk to my husband about it. The challenge is to sit down with your spouse and make a list of rules for fighting. He sort of shrugged and said it was something that he thought we should do, when we had the time. I read the basic rules that are included with this dare and decided that I would go by them; whether my husband did or not was up to him.

 

Last night after the kids were in bed we finally had a chance to sit and talk about it. We agreed that the rules in the book will work out well for us. The number one rule—DIVORCE IS NOT AN OPTION! Keeping that in mind, we know that we will find a solution—or at least a compromise—for our argument. And by inviting God to be with us as we discuss our problems, we know that the end of the argument will eventually bring us closer together.

Seek to Understand

    The title of day 18 of The Love Dare is "Love Seeks to Understand". I really like the way that the relationship between husband and wife is described here. Page 87 of the book says: "Consider the following perspective: if the amount you studied your spouse before marriage were equal to a high school diploma, then you should continue to learn about your mate until you gain a 'college degree', a 'master's degree', and ultimately a 'doctorate degree'." Life is a long learning process, and so is a marriage. If we knew every little thing there is to know about the one we married, life would be pretty boring.

    The sad thing for me, though, is that I have to admit I don't know a whole lot about my husband. There are three questions written in this chapter that I cannot answer. I don't know my husband's greatest hopes and dreams. I do not understand how he prefers to give and receive love (perhaps if I did, this marriage would be a lot easier!). And his fears? No idea. I could guess, I think, but I don't know that I would be right.

    How can we expect our marriage to survive—let alone thrive—if we are just two strangers living under one roof, sharing the same bed, and parenting the same children?

    The challenge in this dare is to plan an evening for just the two of us where we can talk about some of these things. In the end of the book, there are 10 personal questions and 10 marital questions the authors suggest be used for this evening. The questions at least give a starting place for our conversation.

    Finding time to do that is a problem, though. Life is busy. Take yesterday, for example. Yesterday I started my new job babysitting my infant nephew. After he left, I spent time doing some laundry (a never-ending task for a family of five!) and straightening up the house. I can't tell you how many times I sat down at the computer to write only to be sidetracked by a phone call or an email or the kids. When my husband got home from work, he went outside to wait for our pastor to get here. A belt had broke on the van, and my husband didn't know how to repair it. He's never been much of a "fix it" kind of man, but he is trying. I was very proud of him for braving the below freezing temperatures to not only keep Pastor Clive company while he fixed the van, but to also help out and learn how to do repairs on his own. When the repair was finished, my man came inside to clean up. I poured him something to drink and warmed up some dinner for him (he asked that I not make the kids wait to eat, as he didn't know how long he would be outside). He was freezing and settled into his Lazy Boy chair after he ate with a blanket over him, trying to warm up before bed. By 7, he was drifting off to sleep.

    Tonight is Cub Scouts night. He is the Den Leader for our 6-year-old sons den, so he has to go to that. And tomorrow he leads a Bible study at the church. So I can't just sit here and wait for him to be able to finish this portion of The Love Dare. I think I know what I will do, though. I am considering typing up the questions from the book and emailing them to my husband. Not only do I want him to answer them when he can, I want to answer them myself. That way, when we have a chance to have quiet evening without chores or kids or car repairs or meetings, we can talk over them. It will be good for us to know each other better and to understand each other more.

A Prayer

Father God,

    I thank You today for the blessing of my husband. There was a time when I didn't think we would ever get to our first wedding anniversary, let alone our tenth. At one point, I didn't think we would actually get married. I was ready to give up and walk away. In fact, I did that once. I thank You for giving me the strength and wisdom to come back to him. He was definitely worth waiting for. You knew that even when I didn't. Thank You for not letting me give up on him.

    Thank You also for not letting him give up on me. I know that being married to me can't be an easy thing. With the illnesses and surgeries and moments of depression I have gone through in the past ten years, he had plenty of chances, reasons, and opportunities to walk away from me. Thank You, Lord, for making our love for each other strong enough that we could see the trials and troubles were worth working through.

    Lord, I pray for Your blessings on my husband today. Help him to feel close to You, and to do Your will in everything he faces. Be with him as he plays with our children and interacts with the other men from the church. Let Your love shine through all that he does.

    I ask also that you bless his hands as he works this week. He works hard for our family, and I appreciate that more than I can ever tell him. Help him as he goes into the factory every morning. Let Your love shine through him, so that his co-workers can see the peace and joy You have placed in his heart.

    Father, I thank You again for bringing him into my life. I know I am not perfect, he is not perfect, and our marriage is not perfect. But we are perfect for each other because You created us to perfectly compliment one another. Help us both to put You first and each other second no matter what we do.

    In the precious name of Jesus I pray, Lord. Amen

Love Dare, Day 15

    I've been keeping up with the Love Dare, even though I haven't been as successful at keeping up with blog about it. I am sorry about that. Life just seems so busy sometimes. Especially while my boys were off school for Christmas vacation (I do not care that the school system calls it "Winter Break" now. They were off for Christmas vacation!). Let me tell you, it is not easy to write with three boys at home. The older two wanted to do nothing but fight and the youngest one ended up getting staples in his head. So yeah, writing took a bit of a backseat!

    The challenge for Day 15 was to "choose a way to show honor and respect to your spouse that is above and beyond your normal routine." I chose to do that by shoveling the sidewalks. Normally, my husband does that. But this week, we got quite a bit of snow. Especially on Wednesday and Thursday. He went in to work at 5:30 in the morning and got out at 3 in the afternoon. All the time in between was spent on his feet at a machine, making huge metal gears. I wanted to make his evening easier, so I went out to clear the walk. The snow was still falling, but that was OK. I figured if I at least got it cleared once it would make things easier for him. It would mean less snow for him to clear later. Our oldest son bundled up and went out there with me. We had a good time with it. You should have heard him giggle when I dumped a shovel full of snow over his head and then laugh when I stood still for him to get me back!

    When my hubby got home from work, we were still working on the sidewalk. My husband was not happy. He wasn't angry, really, but not happy that I was doing it. He said he appreciated the effort, but that I didn't need to do something like that. About a year ago, my doctor diagnosed me with a heart condition. The left side of my heart is slightly larger than the right. Apparently, this is a "normal" thing in overweight women. But even since then, my hubby has kind of been protective about me. He says he doesn't want me to do something that might make things worse. Then he helped me make dinner and we had a very nice evening together.

    Day 16 is an easier one. The challenge is to pray for your spouse. I've been doing that daily for a long time. I figure if he is worth spending time with (and he is) than he is definitely worth praying for.

Can We Talk?

Are there three more scary words a wife can hear from her husband than, "Can we talk?"

 

Yesterday morning, I sat at my laptop to get to work. When I opened it, a small piece of paper had stuck to the screen. I looked at it and say in my husband's handwriting, "Honey, can we talk tonight after the kids are in bed?" Immediately, my mind started racing. I went on the defensive—What did I do now? The night before our time alone didn't go quite as well as planned or hoped. I figured he was mad about that.

 

Great. Another fight about sex. Just what I need.

 

I had a lot to do yesterday. There wasn't time to stress and worry about what my husband might be upset about. My thought was actually, "I don't know why he is complaining. At least he got sex last night. So what if it wasn't mind-blowing? At least it was something!" Some men don't even get that. Heck, I have one friend who told me once her hubby is lucky to get it once every six months!

 

So the boys were in bed at 7 (fighting with each other and with Mom and Dad ended up with them all in bed an hour early). It was an agonizing hour, at least for me, until 8 pm rolled around and he was ready to talk. Part of me wanted to rush things, but I figured if he was the one who had something on his mind, I should let the conversation happen on his terms and in his timing.

 

When he did talk to me, it was not at all what I expected. He told me that he thinks I spend too much time playing around on Facebook (which, I suppose, he could be right about). He also said that it bothers him that Facebook seems more important to me than he is. I didn't know what to say back. Anything I said, I was afraid, would sound like an excuse or a defense for why I am on the computer so much. What really got to me, though, was when he said he could understand it if I was on the computer to write but that he had been "spying" on my Facebook activity through his account and knew that I was playing more than writing.

 

Thanks to The Love Dare, I didn't say anything back. I've work VERY hard to keep negative comments about him and his habits out of my vocabulary. As much as I wanted to snap at him that spying is wrong (all he had to do was ask, I wouldn't lie about what I've been doing on the computer), I didn't. I just kept my mouth shut, let him talk, and then went to bed.

 

This morning, I was not in much of a mood to do any Love Dare stuff. I mean, what's the point? I work on something, yet it is what I haven't done that he decides to "harp" on. Why work on showing him any love when I don't feel it in return? I don't feel much love at the moment and I don't feel like showing it. SO THERE!

 

But, I did open the book. And do you know what the first thing I read was? Here is the opening paragraph from Day Fourteen of The Love Dare:

 

One of the most important things you should learn on your Love Dare journey is that you should not just follow your heart. You should lead it. You don't let your feelings and emotions do the driving. You put them in the back seat and tell them where you are going.

 

OUCH!

 

As if that wasn't bad enough, I got to the challenge for the day. After reading it, I looked toward Heaven and said, "Lord, did you plan for me to read this today of all days?'

 

Here is what it says:

 

Purposefully neglect an activity you would normally do so you can spend quality time with your spouse. Do something he would love to do or a project he'd really like to work on. Just be together.

 

Once again, ouch!

 

I don't want to. Plain and simple, I do not want to do this one. Already I am giving up my quiet night alone to go to a Cub Scouts Pack Meeting with my husband and our boys. I am not in much of a mood to give up anything else.

 

SIGH.

 

But I guess I have to. I mean, I am supposed to be learning how to show unconditional love, right? And what can show that better than giving up what I'd like to do in order to spend time with a man who is frustrating me beyond belief?

A Little Catch Up

Christmas is not the best time to try writing a new blog!

This "Love Dare Thing", as my son refers to it, is worth putting my whole heart into. And I do not for one moment regret that I have started this journey. The only problem that I have had is finding the time to write about it.

OK, so maybe that isn't the only problem! I have not been good at doing one new Dare each day. Why? Mainly because I don't think I truly believed the book in the beginning when it said, "It is a challenging and often difficult process." Somehow, the idea of this process being "an incredibly fulfilling one" sounds so awesome that I just sort of skimmed over the challenging part. But here I am, three weeks into the Love Dare, according to the calendar, but only thirteen days into it, according to the book.

This is not just challenging. I mean, I like a challenge! This dare is HARD. Is it worth it? YES. With all my heart, I have to say that it is defiantly worth the time I put into it. I can already see changes in me, in my marriage, and even in the way my husband acts toward me. But to really show the love God desires for me to show my husband, I have to confront some things in myself that I'd rather continue to ignore.

For instance, Day Twelve of the Love Dare says, "Demonstrate love my willingly choosing to give in to an area of disagreement between you and your spouse. Tell them you are putting their preference first."

OUCH!

Why would I want to do that? Do his preferences matter that much more than mine do? Not really, by worldly standards. In fact, by worldly standards I am 100% in the right to say that my preferences are more important than his are. After all, doesn't the world emphasize putting ME first in everything?

Then again, that is where the problems of the world come from. When everyone puts ME first, it leads to millions of people thinking they are right and everyone else is wrong. Face it—we cannot possibly all be right all of the time. It's time to move past the "me first" mentality and get into a "God first" state of mind.

And that is what I intend to do this year.

I think the hardest part about putting my husband's preferences first for me is that I often feel like I already do that. There are a lot of areas in our life where I feel like it is what he wants that matters the most. Of course, I have this feeling that if you ask my husband, he will say that my preferences come first. So I guess what I really need to do is think about him, about the man God created to share my life.

There is one thing that I can really think of that I can do to show him that his needs and wants matter more than my own do. I have this horrible habit of not putting away laundry. If you go into my walk-in closet, you will see my husband's clothes hanging where they should be. But you will see my clothes piled up all over the place. On the dresser, beside the dresser, under the hanging bar, in corners. Some things have made it into the dresser, but they are not neat by any means. It annoys my husband that I live like that. It would be a good thing to do for him to clean up the closet and make an attempt at orderliness.