Love Sacrifices, Day 28

Today I am going to do something that I promised myself at the beginning of this Dare I would not do. I hope that you, my readers, understand and forgive me. This part of The Love Dare is extremely personal. I do not feel comfortable sharing publicly the details of how I handled this one. Rather than telling you my specific actions and thoughts, I am going to keep this one much more general. I am not doing this out of a desire to hide anything. Rather, I am doing this out of my love and respect for my husband. There are certain aspects of our lives that need to remain private. God knows the details, and that is what matters most!


The Scripture focus for this one is Matthew 25:35-36. “For I was hungry and you gave me something to eat; I was thirsty and you gave me something to drink; I was a stranger and you invited me in; I was naked and you clothed me; I was sick and you visited me; I was in prison and you came to me.” It’s a passage that I am very well acquainted with. It’s one that I keep in the forefront of my mind as I do work with the women’s group at my church. Jesus urges us in this passage to think of others, to realize that He is in everyone we meet and that we should treat others just as we would treat Him. I think I have done a very good job with that over the years.

Until I read this Dare, though, I didn’t realize that I have been falling short in one area: all too often I fail to treat my husband as I would treat Christ.

Because he is the one with me every day, the one who ten years ago promised to love me no matter what and reaffirmed that vow just a few weeks ago, I tend to take him for granted. Even worse, I look at the verse that says, “Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and Himself up for her” (Ephesians 5:25) and think that it is up to my husband to make sacrifice for me. I tend to want things MY way, and I don’t put much time, attention, or thought into what my husband might want.

That is not fair.

There is one particular area where I know I have been failing him. That one was really brought home when I read this portion of The Love Dare. I’ve made a commitment to think more about this particular need of his and to do more to fill it.

Love Encourages, Day 27

I am constantly amazed at how God works!! The subject of this Dare is something that my husband and I have recently dealt with—our expectations. He seems to expect me to be more like his mother while I expect him to be more like my father. Not that our parents are bad people—I am thankful for the way they molded us into the people we have become. But we are not carbon copies of them. It really isn’t fair for us to expect the other to be.


Gosh, that made sense in my head, but looks so confusing on paper!

The expectations he places on me make me feel very inadequate. As I told him the other day, “No matter what I do, you will point out the ways it could have been done better. It makes me wonder why I even bother. If I am not good enough, why am I even here?”

I assume that he feels the same way when I start to nag him about spending more time with our family. Oh, it’s not like he goes out all that time. He works 8 to 10 hours a day, 5 to 6 days a week (a real blessing from God, giving his profession and the economy in our hometown). Tuesday night, he is Tiger Scout Den Leader for our 6 year old and he leads a Bible study at the church on Wednesdays. Other than that, he is normally at home. I get frustrated, though, when it seems that I am constantly with the kids (a frustration I assume most work-at-home and stay-at-home parents feel). He has turned one of our extra rooms into his “Man Cave” and spends a lot of evenings in there, not coming out until the kids have gone to bed. Even on nights when I plan to spend the evening working in my office, he goes into his cave. The boys are so afraid of bothering him that they come to me with all of their troubles. I don’t want to be a single parent when we are married and living in the same house!

Yet I don’t think that nagging him or cutting him off, which I know I tend to do, is really the right way to handle the situation. I can’t really say that I know what is the right way. In the Gospel, Jesus tells His disciples to “remove the plank from your own eye before you can be concerned with the speck in your brothers eye” (paraphrasing, but if you check out Matthew 7:4-5, you will see that I am pretty close). I guess that means that I need to look at the problems in my own life, the ways where I don’t measure up as a wife.

And I am not talking about where I don’t measure up to the expectations my husband has for me. In all honesty, I am not sure I can ever be everything he wishes for me to be. But I need to see where I fall short of GOD’S expectations. If I can please Him, pleasing my husband should follow naturally.

Love is Responsible, Day 26

Today’s Dare—To ask God’s forgiveness for any wrongdoing, then humbly admit that wrongdoing to your spouse.


It sounds like a difficult one, on the surface. But for me, it really wasn’t. My wrongdoing came to light a few months back, when I had to admit to my husband that I was doing a horrible job of maintaining our budget. Telling him was not easy. To be honest, I don’t know if it was more difficult to come clean or to ask his forgiveness. Perhaps if this had been the first time that I had trouble with finances things would have been different. But since it wasn’t, I kept wondering, “How can I ask him to forgive me for something that I have messed up with over and over again?”

At this end of this Dare is the question: “What does your mate need to see in order to believe that your confession was more than just words?” In my case, though I’ve not specifically asked him, I would assume that needs to see my receipts. He needs to see that I am taking responsibility for the money I spend and I am actually paying our bills with it. Not that I have just gone and bought frivolous things in the past. More that I have neglected to pay bills in a timely manner, causing late fees that were unnecessary. In order for him to believe that I am truly sorry for the things I have done and that I really want to change, he needs to see the evidence that I am trying to change.

So long as I show progress toward mending this, I pray that he will be understanding enough to not expect a complete turnaround all at once.

This Book Is Not For Sissies!!!

    The Love Dare starts off with a warning. The authors state right up front that it is not something to be taking lightly. Taking this dare is taking a chance.

    I didn't fully believe that until I got into doing it.

    This book is NOT for the faint-hearted! If you think you are perfect and that the problems in your marriage are all because of your spouse, you need this book.

    Only it is those who truly need it that will have the hardest time with it.

    Have you seen the movie Fireproof? I did, and I'll be honest about my motivation to see it: Kirk Cameron. Like many my age, he was my first celebrity crush. Of all the crushes that have come and gone sense, Kirk is the one I am not ashamed to admit to! He is funny and entertaining to watch. And from all reports, he is a good guy. Many "child stars of the 80's" have battled addictions that have taken their lives. The same can be said for Kirk. Only his addiction has not ended his life—it has enhanced it. Kirk isn't addicted to alcohol or drugs or women. His addiction is to Christ. Man, that is one I wish more in Hollywood would catch!

    But I digress. When I heard that a movie with a Christian message was about to be released, I was intrigued. When I heard that Kirk Cameron would be staring in the movie, I knew I needed to see it. The more I heard about the film, the more anxious I became. I figured it would be a good movie to see with my husband.

    I did not figure it would change my life.

    Through the movie, Kirk's character grows up and learns how to save his marriage. He does this with the aid of a gift from his father—a book called The Love Dare. After seeing the film, I wanted to get my hands on a copy of that book. My husband and I had been married for nearly nine years when the movie came out. Were they nine good years? Yeah, I guess. Could they have been better? Definitely! I thought the book would be a great way of making our next years together happier, more full, and much better than the first few.

    Apparently, I was not the only one who wanted the help of this book, as Stephen and Alex Kendrick, the men behind the movie, wrote The Love Dare and made it available to the public.

    I bought the book and began working through the 40 day journey. My thought was that my husband and I could both do this, and that he would see how impossible life is with a pig-headed husband such as he is and would make changes in his heart. Those changes he would make, I knew, would make our marriage oh so much stronger.

    I DID NOT expect to read the book and find out that I was the pig-headed spouse who needed to make changes! It made me uncomfortable enough that I put the book aside and didn't finish.

    Nearly a year later, I picked it up again. I decided to blog about my journey through The Love Dare. Things got tough again. I could feel myself changing and see how our marriage was evolving as a result. But I got to a point where it was painful, almost physically so, to keep up with the blog. Did I really want my personal thoughts, feelings, and failures to be made public on the web? So I kept up with it in private.

    I've worked through a lot of those struggles. While I still don't feel comfortable sharing every little thing, I think it is best to share some. I'm typing up my hand-written journals and posting them once again to my blog. My hope is that this helps other wives and husbands see the issues in their own marriages and in their own hearts, and find hope for change. Has reading this book made me a perfect wife? Um, not. Not even close. I have a long way to go yet, and I know it. I've started working on The Power of a Praying Wife so that I can better hear what God is telling me needs to change in my life. Do I still think my husband needs to change? YES! But I have also realized that I cannot force those changes. The best that I can do is change me and pray that God shows him what needs to change.

    And pray that God teaches me how to live with the things I want my husband to change that God thinks are perfect as they are!

Love Vs. Lust

The world is passing away, and also its lusts; but the one who does the will of God lives forever. I John 2:17

    Somehow, I skipped over this day when reading The Love Dare earlier this year. Lust is nothing something that I have a problem with. My husband has had a problem with it (see this post for more on that), but I've never fallen into a lustful situation. I've always thought of lust as a sexual thing. It's more than just looking at a celebrity and commenting on his attractiveness. It's thinking about that celeb so much that you want the one you are with to be more like that person. I've never done that. Sure, I've stayed up to watch Michael Phelps swim in the Olympics and I've made a point to watch NCIS: Los Angeles because Chris O'Donnell stars in it. But that doesn't mean that I want my husband to be like them. In fact, there are a lot of things in their lives that I would not want to see in my husband's life. The only comparison I feel comfortable making between these men and my husband is this one: I want my husband to be as dedicated to his family as Chris O'Donnell is said to be.

    The Love Dare, though, defines lust a little differently. It is more than just drooling over a good looking man or woman. Lust is "a misguided thirst for satisfaction that only God can fulfill" (page 117). Wow. Put that way, I can see that I am so very wrong. Lust is definitely something that I have a problem with.

    God has recently brought to my attention an addiction that I have to food. I can see where that addiction can be considered as a form of lust. It sure is a way for me to find satisfaction. Not that I have found satisfaction through food….

    This morning, I can also see where this lust for food is harming my marriage. It's not something I feel at all comfortable talking to my husband about. This is a pretty big issue for me. Not being able to discuss a big issue with my husband puts up a wall in our marriage. It's like there is this whole part of me that he knows nothing about. How can I expect us to be close if there is a part of myself that I am holding back from him?

    

Our Renewal

    Saturday was The Big Day for my husband and me. It was the day after our 10^th anniversary. In our church, in front of our family and friends, we recommitted ourselves to each other. We again promised to love one another as we allow God to "wipe clean the canvases of our lives and fill them with His love, beauty, and harmony." It was really a very nice day.
    He surprised me by reading a poem about what marriage should be. It was a struggle to not cry when he read it. I gave him a copy of the Power of a Praying Husband Book of Prayers. Our sons walked me down the aisle and placed my hand in his. Then we had a small reception afterward. The boys went to stay the weekend with their aunt, and we headed out of town. We didn't do anything exotic. But we spent time together, alone, and that was wonderful. I am attaching a few pictures of the ceremony for you.
    Because of the last minute plans, I wasn't able to keep up on this blog last week. I did jot down a few things, though, as I continued to read The Love Dare. I will be posting those thoughts later in the week.

The Bride and Groom

The Birde and Groom, with the Bride's parents

Forgiveness

    I don't recall the exact date. I think it was right around Labor Day, 2007. I know I have the year right, because I clearly recall my youngest was an infant at the time. Even if the date is fuzzy in my mind, very few of the details are. In a way I wish the details were not so clear in my head. It might be easier to live with if I didn't remember it all so well.

    Yet I know it is a day that I will never, ever forget.

    I had slept alone part of the night before. My husband was taking over leadership of a mid-week adult Bible study at our church. He was excited about it and wanted to prepare well for it. So he had stayed up, working at the computer the night before, looking on-line for Bible study resources. Just what time he went to bed I couldn't say, and he was gone before I woke up in the morning—off to his daily shift at a local factory. I am pretty sure it was a Friday morning. I seem to recall being excited that he was off that weekend, a rare treat at the time since the shop was busy and he was required to overtime many Saturdays then.

    When I got up, I fed all three kids. The two oldest got dressed and went into their toy room to play. The youngest, about 3 or 4 months old, was playing on a blanket in the center of the office floor. I settled at the computer with a cup of coffee, ready to start my day.

    To my surprise, the internet browser was open. My husband hardly ever left it open. There was a small smile on my face as I clicked the icon in the task bar to bring up the full-screen window. My husband had told me he thought I should be more considerate about sharing the computer and not leave my work open. I knew I was going to have to tease him for having done the same thing. The smile and all teasing thoughts faded quickly when I saw the images that filled the monitor. I don't know what the website was called, but it had nothing to do with a Bible study. I'll admit that I don't know the Bible as well as I should now, and I knew even less then. But I had enough Biblical knowledge to realize that pictures of scantily clad women touching inappropriate places on their bodies were not something that would be shared in a Bible study.

    About a week before that when I had settled in to use the computer an X-rated pop-up interrupted me. I remembered asking my husband about that, and he swore that he had not visited the site and had no idea how it had gotten there. Not a big deal, I figured. It was a one-time thing. And I knew that I had recently downloaded a file from the internet. Perhaps that pop-up had been connected to it. The images I was seeing made me question that. Had the pop-up been because of something that I had downloaded or had it come from something that he had been looking at? With a shaking hand, I clicked on the browser history. I prayed that I would find nothing incriminating there. I knew what sites I had visited and hoped that I would only see those sites and a few Biblical research sites in the history. Sadly, that is not what I found. Sure, those sites were listed there, but so were a couple of sites that I found more than questionable. I didn't even have to click on them. Their titles and web addresses were enough to let me know what sort of "entertainment" they provided.

    I felt like I had been kicked in the gut by a horse. This was not the first time we'd ever had an issue with pornography. It had been nearly 2 years since my husband told me he thought he might be addicted to pornography. He went to counseling for it—I even went with him once or twice. I thought that we had gotten beyond that. I didn't think it would be a part of our marriage ever again.

    Yet here it was, rearing its ugly head again. Only this time, it felt about a million times worse. Not only was my husband not satisfied with me and looking at other women, he was lying to me about it. I felt totally inadequate, unloved, and unlovable. It was a struggle to not fall apart. My boys needed me. As much as I wanted to, I couldn't just curl up into a ball and cry. I needed to do something. I just didn't know what to do. My first thought was to pack a bag for the boys and for me and run to my mother. It took a lot of convincing from Mom and from my best friend for me to not run away. They said that no matter what he had done, my husband deserved to know why I was leaving. They said it wasn't fair for him to come home to an empty house. Like I cared about what was fair! It wasn't fair to me that he was looking at that crap and lying to me about it! That he used preparing for a Bible study as a cover made me sick to my stomach. Why should I have to put up with that junk? It wasn't until one of them said, "It's not fair to the boys to whisk them off without letting them say good-bye to Daddy," that I calmed down enough to stay home. What my husband had done hurt me deeply; I didn't need for it to hurt the boys, too. I decided that instead of just running off and hiding, I was going to confront him about this. I did pull out suitcases, but I didn't fill them. If he denied what he had done, if he lied to me about it again, I was going to pack up and leave. I was determined that I would not live with the lies.

    This was the time when I was really beginning to take my writing career seriously. Some days, my husband would come home from work and wonder what I had done all day. He was frustrated with not seeing the proof that I was working. So I had started to make a list throughout the day of all that I accomplished. I would write down the chores I had done, what writing pieces I had worked on, and how many words I had written on each one. That particular day, I wrote done every little thing that I had done, including fixing breakfast and lunch, serving breakfast and lunch, cleaning up after breakfast and lunch, and how many diapers I changed. When my husband got home from work, we sat at the table and he looked over my list. About halfway through it, he said, "Isn't this a little ridiculous? I know you are feeding the kids and changing diapers." I just asked him to keep reading. The last thing I had written on the list was something like, "Deleted x number of pornographic websites from the browsing history." I knew he had read it when the color drained from his face. He looked at me with that deer-in-the-headlights look, the look that said, "Oh, crap, she knows!"

    To his credit, he didn't deny anything. He still maintained that the pop-up from a week before wasn't from him, because he didn't go to sites that showed what that pop-up did. Eventually, he said that he supposed it could have been from one of the sites he went to, because he was looking at sites then.

    I felt like I had been cheated on. Matthew 5:28, "But I tell you that anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart," came to mind, as did every time my husband ever called me beautiful. I'm a big girl. Always have been. I don't look like the skinny girls in magazines or the perfect-bodied women on those websites. If he had to go looking at that, how could he really think that I am beautiful?

    When we went to bed that night, I didn't want to be near him. I wanted to throw his pillows and blankets down the stairs, lock the bedroom door, and sleep alone. That's not what happened, though. Instead, I lay still and stiff on my side of the bed, tears running down my cheeks, praying for help from God. And I heard this voice say, "You love him. Now hold him."

    No way!!! I shook my head and kept praying. I asked God what He wanted me to do. The thought, "Go to him; hold him," kept coming into my mind. It was about the last thing I wanted to do. He didn't deserve to be hugged and held by me! If he needed a hug, he could just go get one from one of the bimbos he'd been looking at online! I wasn't wasting my hugs on the cheating pig!

    But the thought wouldn't go away. I wanted to God to tell me what to do, how to handle this situation. And He wanted me to hug my husband. I tried to ignore the thought and go to sleep. After all, I was exhausted from all the crying I'd done that day. But sleep would not come. Eventually I sighed, rolled over, and reluctantly rested my head on my husband's chest. He whispered that he was sorry, his voice letting me know he had been crying, too. I didn't say anything to him. I couldn't talk. He slipped his arm around my shoulders and rubbed my back. I wasn't sure I wanted him to touch me, yet I couldn't pull away. At one point, I did tell him, "I am not doing this because I want to. I am here because God wants me to be."

    Why am I telling you all of this today? Because of what I read this morning in The Love Dare. Today's lesson was about forgiveness. The challenge is to intentionally forgive your spouse for a hurt you have not given forgiveness for. I couldn't think of anything at first, not until the memory of that day and night came into my mind. We've worked through it, and even helped our church sponsor and plan a Holy Homes seminar with Clay and Renee Crosse. I was ready to give up and walk away, but God gave me the strength to stay here and fight. Our love survived. End of story, right?

    Wrong. I realized this morning that I haven't completely forgiven him for that. I don't bring it up often. It's not something that we talk about. And I say that I trust him now. Yet I am not sure that I completely do. His computer is still in his office, in a different room than where the family "hangs out". In the past 4 or 5 months, he has gotten good at going in there in the evenings to do Cub Scout work or his Bible study. When he says he is doing Bible study, the thought of that day in 2007 comes back. I sometimes wonder, "Is that really what he is doing?" He's given me no reason to think that he is looking at that again. And he knows where I stand. I told him that I have taken a zero tolerance policy about this. It's me or the porn—NOT both. Still there is a part of me scared to death that he is going to do it again. I often find myself on edge, ready to fight him over it.

    Lord, I ask You to help me with this. Help me to forgive, to really forgive and forget the pain that this has caused. I know my husband loves me, I know I love him, and I know that You love us. You have helped us through this rough period in our marriage. Please, Lord, help me to let it go so that I am no longer afraid to trust. Thank you.